There's no solution...

Finally, the mid term will be the next day. But well, i guess i'm still not prepare as ever. Somehow this paper is so much harder than the rest. It's hard even before i take it, lol. Ok anyway, enough of it. I hope tomorrow will come and go fast.

Anyway, tomorrow after the exam, my group of friends will be celebrating the birthday of a friend of my friend. Oh well, she's a friend of my alright, just that not so close, that's why i use the phrase friend of my friend. Whatever...

Most probably they might be celebrating it at the beach. now this is something new. It's a very nice place actually, as it's seldom being done at there. New scenario, new fun...also new challenge, that is lighting the candle with the beach breeze blowing constantly, hmm..... This is gonna be fun anwyay, lol.

I guess tonight I might just go to bed early, making sure I'm not too tired tomorrow night.

Feel like I'm gonna be hit by a truck...

Yep, this time around, the impact ain't here yet. But I'm already feeling the pressure of it. The pressure of feeling lifeless and wishing I was dead on the night of this coming monday.

Yet another exam is on the way. This time around, it has no mercy. I can't understand a single shit. I went through it over and over again but it's still so much of a stranger to me. I can't digest this crap. It's times like this that I wish I hadn't take engineering in the first. If only i didn't my life would've been much better than this. Now that I'm in too deep, there's no turning back. My life's screwed.

Well, anyway, I had went to MP this evening, to make myself a new spectacles and had Kenny Rogers for my dinner. This trip was short, but it made my day. At least some time off the academic shits. Man, now i dunno what to do for my monday test. It's the first time in my entire pathetic life that i feel so helpless, like a lamb waiting to be slaughtered. Oh well, that's life.

Life's a bitch and so am I. It's a bitch because of my weak academic and my laziness to improve thus creating all this pressure in my life. And I'm a bitch coz I keep bitching about it.

Sigh, i think i better go to bed now before my words gets out of line. Hopefully tomorrow holds a better day...just like back then when i was 16 and a little more green.

New template for my blog.

Finally i've change the tempate for my blog to this new one. But it have some shortcomings. One of the cons is that it doesn't have the post comment feature. This is a major set back for my blog. Others shortcomings are that in the post, there's no blank line if i were to put one in. As a result, all the paragraph joint making it harder to read. Sigh. Anyway, maybe later I'll try to work around those problem. Also, I'd like to add some extra features in it if possible.
In the mean time, it's stay this way due to my exam which is the reason why I wouldn't have too much time on this for the next couple of days.

It just doesn't cut it...

Hmm...blogging from a public computer is something new to me. Due to the unfortunate fact that all MMU students suddenly got hardworking and start to flood the library, i couldn't find a place there and so I ended up going to the computer lab. Anyway, it's kinda strange coz well, everyone around could see what I'm typing. But then again, this blog it's self is public. Hell, who cares.

Anyway, i flop my mid term test again, dammit. This computer algorithm thing just isn't for me. Maybe I study one too little. I guess my studying way just doesn't cut it anymore. Well, nothing that I do lately does. Man, just when I tought things couldn't get any worst.

Sometimes, i just wish that i was someone else. Someone who isn't a game addict, someone whom has a life, someone whom doesn't loose everything he ever had, someone who had it all. I sometimes just look at my friends and all I could do is to wish i was a lil' more like him. Hardworking, does well in academic, talented in programming, and most importantly, he could socialize well, which make him a person with more life than me. And this kind of persom just got it all, while me, nothing I does is ever perfect. Although I've tried to many times, it seems like the harder I push, the more it backfires on me.

But oh well, one thing for sure is that I can't not be what I am. It's just so hard to change. This is me i guess, and it'll always be me. I ain't perfect but I am who I am. I just hope one day I'll have a reason to be proud to be me.

My latest favourite song - Scars

This song is by a group name Papa Roach. Strange name, eh? Anyway, lately I like this song very very much. In fact i've just added it into the playlist on the player here. Here's the lyrics to the song. Enjoy.

SCARS

I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut
My weakness is that I care too much
And my scars remind me that the past is real
I tear my heart open just to feel

I'm Drunk and I'm feeling down
And I just wanna be alone
I'm pissed 'cause you came around
Why don't you just go home?
'Cause I channeled all your pain
And I can't help you fix yourself
You're making me insane
All I can say is...

I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut
And my weakness is that I care too much
And our scars remind us that the past is real
I tear my heart open just to feel

I tried to help you once
Against my own advice
I saw you going down
But you never realized
That you're drowning in the water
So I offered you my hand
Compassion's in my nature
Tonight is our last stand

I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut
And my weakness is that I care too much
And our scars remind us that the past is real
I tear my heart open just to feel

I'm drunk and I'm feeling down
And I just wanna be alone
You shoulda' never come around
Why don't you just go home?
'Cause you're drowning in the water
And I tried to grab your hand
I left my heart open
But you didn't understand
But you didn't understand

Go fix yourself

I can't help you fix yourself
But at least I can say I tried
I'm sorry but I gotta move on with my own life
I can't help you fix yourself
But at least I can say I tried
I'm sorry but I gotta move on with my own life

I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut
And my weakness is that I care too much
And our scars remind us that the past is real
I tear my heart open just to feel

23 Feb....yet I'm still alive

Yeah, another paper has gone with the wind, i mean with the time. oh, the lecturer did mention that the paper will be hard, hard till we'll laugh at our self, cool. Oh yeah, i think i've laugh too much till I cried in tears of joy, cooler still. Anyway, as screwed as it may be, it's over for now. Next paper is next monday, this friday, assignment due date. Guess what, I haven't touch a single thing of that. Man, life's so beautiful.

Anyway, I'm hopin' that after next monday, I'll have some free time. I plan to get a new 3rd party HSF cooler for my comp. CPU, the sound is just driving me nuts. And hell, the PSU begin to make some tell-tale sign that it'll retire soon. There goes another couple hundred bucks. If the casing is too small for either CM hyper 48 or thermalright XP-120, the casing need to go too. OMG, i'll go bankrupt.

Can I handle it?

Lately, I've been in alot of pressure (i think i've said it a dozen times before). Mostly it's from exam, not all but mostly. And well,somehow this has kinda change me. At home, i sometimes become kinda quiet that my mom begin to ask me if everything's alright. And me, of course i'll just say yeah, just tired. What actually i'm doing is that there's so many thing on my mind that i keep thinking about it over and over again.

But of course i don't wantto look like a problematic guy all the time. Sometimes i just try not to think bout those problems and focus on other thing that can makes me happy, or relieve. But if i can't do so, then i might just end up puting up a fake smile. Sadly...

Sometimes i just don't know what to do. Should i just put up a fake smile and make everyone around me to feel please to be with me? Or should i just show my true self and mood and piss everyone off...oh well.

Anyway, lately this problems did drive me to listent to more sad, angry dark theme songs...my latest favourite song is SCARS by Papa Roach. The lyrics goes something like this:
I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut
And my weakness is that I care too much
And the scares reminds me that the past is real
I tear my heart open, just to feel.

19 Feb 05...........somehow I'm still alive.

Wow, thank god my illness got much better by today, i felt so mcuh more better than yesterday, although the ache in my stomach somehow is still there. It comes on and off, but anyway i manage to pull myself through the exam without a single hitch, i mean in terms of concentration of course. It's still a hell of a hard paper afterall.

Later on, one of my friends planned to go see some chinese lion dance perfomance that evening, but unfortunetly one of her friends fell sick. And well, there goes another outing plan that could have make life less boring for the day. Oh well, now's a season for people to fall sick i guess.

Anyway i'm glad that i'm back on my own two feet, no more zombie-like sicko that hybernates the whole day. But hell, i didn't do any studies today. Hope i can start it by tomorrow. I hope....

What a day...i feel like I've been hit by a truck.

Today, I felt sick. Got some high fever, and then a bad headache and stomachache. Damn, I was suppose to revise for my paper the next morning, but I was grounded for almost the whole day. My head was so pain to do anything and so I slept for the whole morning and afternoon. Thank god by evening the pain subsided and my headache's gone. Finally I manage to pick up those notes and do some revision, but I guess it just wasn't enough. Afterall, I didn't do it seriously as I didn't have the mood to push hard anyway. Sigh, I guess this paper is a goner.

Well, I think that I am a pretty weak guy. Fall sick and I'm grounded for the whole day. I really hate times like this when I fall sick. It's been this way since I was young. Whenever I fall sick, I'll tend to become very weak, at times I can barely walk or even think straight. All I did was just lie down the whole day and hybernate. In the end of the day, so many thing were left undone. It's sucks big time man.

Oh well, I have two more papers after this, and hell I won't wanna screw this papers up. I hope that I'll fully recover soon.

If I had one wish

I wonder what would i ask for...

Lets see. Maybe I'll ask for that my special someone will accept me one day. But this might sounds like putting a charm on her, damn it's fake, let's just forget this wish and let things go naturally. Maybe I wanna be a billionair, afterall money can buy almost everything these days. But erm...with lotsa money comes high danger too, I'll be everyone's target. Or maybe I'll ask for a long life...and live like a useless immortal? Nah, life's boring to be lived forever. Ok, I'll ask for another 100 more wishes adn try out one by one :P.

Well, I sometimes miss having a happy life, like I used to back at primary school and high school. Everyday I just go back and think of finishing up my academic works and then it's playtime. It's like this everyday, I don't come back feeling down, with lost of shits in my mind. But that's what had happend to me. There's just so much to care about, so many problems on my mind, and before I can slove it, another one comes.

So, the question here is how do i make my life as good as before with just one wish? Can I just simple ask "I hope that I wouldn't have any problem"? I doubt it's as simple as that, there's gonna be a comsequence. Like, we'll loose something, someone, who knows how our life will change? Or maybe I'll just ask for that I won't have any feelings? No feelings nothing to care about and thus no problems. But I don't wanna live as a robot. Well, now how 'bout changing myself instead. Change into a better person, a perfect one maybe? But heck, i won't be myself anymore, and there's no guarantee the people i love will accept this new me. I'd rather be myself.

Well, in the end, i have nothing to wish for. In my opinion, if we want a better life, we ourself have to search for it, work it out ourself, not go on a genie hunting to have our wish granted and hoping for a better life. I myself isn't a perfect person, I make alot of mistake, piss many people of adn I suffered the consequence too. It's just sad that i've become the king of ignored. Yeah, i've been ignore by people, and it make me feel like an outcast sometimes. I'm just sad and disappointed, but what can i do? i've make my mistake. i just hope I can be a better person someday.

And oh, about the wish, maybe I'll just ask for this afterall...that the genie will be a real person and give her the chance to live life as a real human.

1 paper's over...3 more to go.

Yeah, just finish my engineering maths subject mid term test. It was kinda tough at times, but well, still have to do it. Sigh, actually it was pretty easy, it could have been. Unfortunetly for me, something came in my way today. Yeah, right on this day, and well, there goes any chace of calling it an easy paper.

Anyway, no one's to blame but myself. Oh well, i can't help it. If only i could, I would. Man, this thing is still bugging my mind, I just wonder what went wrong. And tonight, I guess again I'll be sleeping with the lights on. What a life of mine...

Nice blog

This evening, i got back and was kinda free, didn't have the mood to study as i've should, so, i went online and just randomly browse through the blogs at blogspot.com. Then i stumbled upo this unique blog, it's pinkaholic-paradise.blogspot.com/.

What attracts me is that this blog, set up by a female, is all base on the theme love. Yeah, go there and see for u'r self. It surprise me that she seems to take this thing very seriously. Also, in the chat box there, she stated that she's still waiting for her man, although she knows he wouldn't accept her. Also u can see it in her poem that she worte. Even in the animated box on the left. It's like it all build around the fact that she now lost her guy. But she still all over him, as showed by her replies in her cha box. Now this really amaze me.

Honestly, how many girls today really loves a guy that much? So much that she still loves him altough he isn't hers? I dunno bout her age, or backgrounds, but i think it's still pretty amazing of her to feel this way. Most people, guys or girls, would have got over it in the harsh way, but well, it's his lost I'd say.

An open letter for me

Dear Hornet,

Hi there. How are u doing lately? Enjoy torturing u'rself, eh? What's up man, looks like u ain't sitting on top of the world. I know u've been under a constant n heavy pressure lately, but trust me, 60% of it is unecessary. Ok, 20% is unavoidable, but what's with the rest?

U're having some issues man. Better suck up u'r pride and come down back to earth. If u think u've kept u'r head low enough, keep it lower, it ain't enough. This world is all about having confidence, but at the same time, facts are there all the time, adn they will always do. So, stop hiding from it, and face it. Go out there and face the truth man. Don't grab what isn't u'rs, leave it if it belongs to someone else.

And oh, u've got 4 exam papers comin' u'r way, aren't u gonna do anything bout it? I know u've been pretty addicted to Maple Story MMORPG lately, but hey, i do hope u put that aside and start with u'r exam matters man. Don't wanna be cryin's over 5 F's when u'r result comes out, ain't u?

BTW, believe u u'rself do notice some weakness in u'rself. Yeah, u cab't socialize, but hey, it's goddamn important ya know. Be it makin' friends or even, well, let's just say this involves a girl. Yeah, if u think having the heart n feelings does it perfect, think again. Being caring alone just doesn't cut it anymore. U've gotta know how to communicate, and make them like u by the way u talk to them, not the way u treat them. U can treat a person nice, but if u bored 'em to death, it spells DOOM. I know this is gonna be hard for u, considering how little friends u have and how u socialize, but hell, u've gotta to change, like it or not, hard or easy.

Also, u are such a dark person. All u'r toughts are somewhat dark adn negetive. Maybe too much punk rock and nu-metal songs, I'd say. How bout listening to songs like "Love Is In The Air" ? Ok, romantic songs are just not the in-thing. I don't like it too anyway, forget it. But hey, don't keep putting sad, anger ridden lines in your Ym status man, althought it's some nice and meaning-full lines from u'r favourite song's, but think of what the others might think bout u? U may have a reason, but keep it to u'rself man.

Go think about it man. If u remains the same as u are now, u'll loose everything u ever wanted, trust me. U'll be better off dead. Go do u'r best, n go for pro, man. I hope to see some sucess in u.

So long.

Your alter ego,
NIGHTHAWK

Hell days ahead

It's 14 Feb. Yeah, so what? 14 ain't a nice number. It's the middle of the months, where everyone goes bankrupt =P...what's with the fuss and buzz of 14 Feb?

Oh yeah, it's valentine's day. So, I'm gonna wish happy valentine to all..wait, not all...to those who's lucky enough to celebrate it. Yeah, happy valentine day. To me, this day means no shit to me. Ok, I'm still single, and so I won't and can't and don't appreciate this day. What can i do? This is my life. While my friends, guys and girl will be out there having some good times with their significant other, while me, it'll be another boring day at home.

But oh well, it's been 19 years this way, no shit to complain about. Anyway this time around, it ain't this day that's bugging me. It's my oncoming exam, in a group of four they're heading here, damn.

I really hate times like this, though i can't say this is the first time, but i just can't stand the pressure. Form every corner of my life, all this shits come pounding on me, add with the exam pressure is gonna kill me fast. It's driving me closer to my grave. Sigh...

Anyway, instead of wishing myself happy valentine, I'm just gonna wish myself good luck, happy exam-ing =P

Aftermath of CNY

CNY holiday finally comes to an end. Though at times it does gets boring, but I'd rather have a longer break, coz once the sem resumes, it's hell time again.

Anyway, this cny is just another typical cny, the norms of going out on first and second day to visits everyone that's, err...well, the same relatives year in year out :P

But on friday, my friend (a former friend at MMU in Malacca that has transfered to cyberjaya) Glen came down to malacca to visits some of his relatives here...of course we took this opportunity to meet up. On friday night, we went for a show entitle Seoul Raiders. Then on Saturday, he came over to my place, and then afterthat went to meet another two other friends of us whom just came back to malacca, Alan and Gan. Ironically, when we went to their place, both of them were playing computer games. I would have expected them to feel tired of the long trip, but well, never underestimate this guys :D. we planed to go for dinner at night on that day, but Glen had to go back that night.

So, that's how my CNY went, almost boring had my friend did not came down here.

Anyway, next week onwards, I have 4 exam papers waiting, none of which i'm prepare for...damn it.

~CNY~

Chinese new year is just around the croner, yeah. And it's holiday again, mid term break actually. I've got a 1 week off. Ain't long actually, just ain't enough to make me miss anything actually :P.

Anyway, this festive, as usual, it's very predictable for me. Year in year out it's all the same old story. House visiting, collecting "ang pau"s, eat 'n drink...oh well, there ain't anything more to it. The only difference is well, probably the amount of cash collected, that is, it's decreasing. No, it never increase, sad to say. Anyway, this time around I might need those cash, coz I'm dyin' to change my PC stock HSF to one that doesn't sounds like a vaccum cleaner running at full load. And oh, probably a new casing too :P.

But one thing I have to say is that i ain't enjoying this festive season as I use tho back in those good old days when i was 10 and a little more green. I dunno why i got this way, maybe i've got too many problems in my mind, maybe it's the damn exam that's bugging me, maybe I'm to old for it anymore...maybe it's all of it. But anyway, enjoy it or not, this week ain't here to stay, it'll be gone before anyone knows it. It won't be long, it won't...

Anyway, one thing that's good bout this is that it gives me a break of all those shits, at least I can smile for awhile, though it's for awhile.

Anyone out there whom still enjoys this festive season, please make the most out of it. Go out there 'n enjoy yourself. Happy Chinese New Year.

~PIECES~

Lately i've been kinda addicted to this new single by sum 41, it's called PIECES...here's the lyrics.


I tried to be perfect
But nothing was worth it
I don’t believe it makes me real
I’d thought it’d be easy
But no on believes me
I meant all the things that I said

If you believe it’s in my soul
I’d say all the words that I know
Just to see if it would show
That I'm trying to let you know
That I’m better off on my own

This place is so empty
My thoughts are so tempting
I don’t know how it got so bad
Sometimes it’s so crazy that nothing could save me
But it’s the only thing that I have

If you believe it’s in my soul
I’d say all the words that I know
Just to see if it would show
That I'm trying to let you know
That I’m better off on my own

(On my own!)

I tried to be perfect
It just wasn’t worth it
Nothing could ever be so wrong
It’s hard to believe me
It never gets easy
I guess I knew that all along

If you believe it’s in my soul
I’d say all the words that I know
Just to see if it would show
That I'm trying to let you know
That I’m better off on my own