Right now I wish I could say or do something to turn my luck around. It's so rotten lately...

If there's a poem that could fix everything, I'd read it everyday.

Dear Silent Friend

It's been awhile since I've written anything here. Not that I'm busy or what, it's the holidays anyway, and holidays are never fun for me. I'm feeling bored, empty. The final thoughts that I promise myself I'll pen it down here, still yet to do it as well. I'm trying my best not to be so messed up even while posting here.

I could never wave a magic wand and miraculously uncomplicated my life. Days like this, it just feels so long I had to look for some distraction to keep my mind occupied. And boy did I succeed now I'm somewhat addicted to Civilization 4. It's funny how this game requires some thinking, yet I finds myself more comfortable playing this than some fast pace no-brain action games. Probably I couldn't concentrate, whatever.

I guess sometimes I need to take my mind off from daydreaming about the past. No matter how I indulge myself in it, I can't take myself back to those time and relive it. Dreaming isn't going to change anything.

I don't know if there's anything to look forward to next semester, but still, two more weeks to go. Time keeps moving while I'm still sulking up here...

Costly Lightning. Damn...

So it's been almost 6 days now I'm without my own PC, just hanging on to this old P3 which surprisingly didn't crash or overheated though I left my PC turned on for as long as I'm awake each day.

Finally, a next step was taken, a few components was burned including the mother board, and I decided to get a whole new system. But this was more like a replacement, and some addition to accommodate my everyday usage requirement.

I did not have gaming in mind at all. The extra CPU and ram is more for other application such as Photoshop, and make life easier generally. The graphic card is a crap for gaming but I don't know, maybe I'm budget conscious this time around, maybe I'll regret it one day.

I just don't have the mood to play any game right now. Gaming is not on my mind when I decided this purchase.

Maybe it was something I done in a hurry, I don't know and I don't think I really did care either. I just wants everything to go back to normal, the way it use to be. This entire 2 weeks has been like a nightmare to me, and for whatever mistakes that I made, I don't think I'll ever forgive myself. I pray that some day others may forgive me, but I don't think I will myself.

Ah well, I really need all the songs that's stuck in my hard disk now.

I log in here to post something
But there's nothing I can post here at the moment.

It's just sometimes I use to come here and pen my thoughts down to help me through harder times.

It doesn't seems to work, lately.

I feel like trash

And sometimes I think I am one, just haven't realize it yet.

Worst End Game Ever

I don't know why but tragically bad luck always strike me at the end of each semester, and I think this time it was very bad. I take part of the blame though.

For the past week or so, I hasn't been the best of a person, I've been this jerk, this complicated person I shouldn't had been, well... I think I messed up pretty badly.

Then came Saturday, that evening as I was leaving for my final exam paper, lightning hit, and before I could say oh shit, everything went silent, my PC got burned, monitor and network switch became a casualty too. How bad the damage was on my system is still unknown, but it certainly isn't just the PSU. The broadband line got served too, good thing it came back on Monday (if only there's any good left).

Now I'm just holding the fort down with my good old Pentium 3 system. There are some artifact on the webpage GUI, abnormalities here there and everywhere, it's not perfect anymore, and I just hope it'd last till my PC is fixed. And boy my weekend felt so lost, so strange, almost miserable.

What happened here once again reminds me how my semester never ends well, the break always start off with something somewhere going wrong. It reminds me, when my internet acted up, I practically couldn't use it for days, with more than 95% packet lost. It wasn't a nice story, and till this day I wish it had never happened, I still do.

But it's been so long since then, I guess I've had my share of great times, memories. Well, I think I've wrote enough about it here.

To think that it all came from my feelings that I developed, is the very same feeling that made me so complicated sometimes, I'm pretty much still unable to handle it the way I should, the way anyone would have. I was lucky, but look at what an idiot I was. Well, I'm so messed up right now.

Oh well, I don't know when my PC will be back, or what will happens even. Till then, I guess I could use this few days to write my final thoughts about this sem, though last sem still sometimes lingers in my mind. It was that good, and just like thought I'd miss it, and I do.

I'm so sorry
I cannot sleep, I cannot dream tonight

I miss you...

At an All Time Low

If my life literally, depends on my luck, I would have been long dead.

I just have none of it lately and I don't know what to do.

Tomorrow will be my last paper and, I don't even want to think about it.

There's so much on my mind right now, and none of it is DES, none of it is IDS. There's no where, no one that I could take this things to. Not even here.

It's so ironic that I hate myself for making others hate me.

I wish I could change, cause I don't want to lose it and yet everyday I look at myself, all I see is a person who behave the way he should not, and it's so clear how this messed up part of him pushes everyone away from him.

My luck is totally beyond me
Wish I could control it because it gets so bad at times
It did get really bad...

It's not suppose to feel this way
I need you I need you
More and more each day

It's not suppose to hurt this way
I need you I need you I need you...

-Avril Lavigne, Why