Now comes the storm

It's been 3 weeks, and I don't know if it was long or did this first 3 weeks of the semester just flew by. Nothing happened, and that's just the calm before the storm I guess. Now comes serious business.

Say, it's already mid of the semester, I've just done one assignment and another coming up, this time involving writing a C program reading input from a text file and write an output token list. Whats more, it's mid term hoo!!!.

I'll be looking for a casket of my own next week.

Reality bites

Sometimes I just have to accept there are certain thing in life I'll never have, despite how common it may seems to others. Just that just because everyone I want it as much as everyone else wants, and they all have it, it doesn't mean I'll have it to. The only similarity I have to other normal people is the desire and the emotions, but not the result.

Kind of reminds me of this little boy in the movie A.I.

What a dumb world we're living in.

Please understand

Waiting for weekend to come. Been under alot of pressure this week. Just one more day to go.

Its not easy working in a group for an assignment. Sometimes its a regret to have so many members. I just wanted to finish it ASAP and get over it. I have a mid term paper and I'm just a human who isn't capable of getting everything done perfectly. Please understand that I'm not a top class student. One should know better when choosing a person to team up with.

I hate being alone, I hate the feeling of solitary. But when it comes to things like this, I think I wish I had just done this assignment alone.

Swifly responded... but then again

I swear it was faster that TmNet ISP's responds to any technical issues.

A couple of days ago during a storm, with a cruel twist of fate, a lightning bolt struck the power line at some point close to home, literally. And of all electrical appliance that was taking power from it, my PC somehow got a little extra than what it needed, some capacitor or whatever in the Power Supply Unit couldn't take that extra charge and so it ended with a climatic "POP", and I got a front row seat watching my PC grinding to a halt and its screen goes blank.

Well, it was a little mix luck. While it was totally unlucky that my PC (and only my PC) had to be damage, but it was lucky that only the PSU and a Network card that was fried. Now PSU was sent for warranty (while I'm on a much cheaper temporary replacement PSU now) and network card didnt cost more than 20 bucks only.

Not that I'm trying to pride myself here, but in a way, I'm glad that I did have the sufficient knowledge to actually troubleshoot everything and with just a visit to the comp shop (with the PSU all already taken out to make things easier and the LAN card was confirm KIA), everything was settled.

Well, still, being able to easily troubleshoot a PC doesn't really makes a guy perfect anyway. Sometimes, I wish I could troubleshoot real life's problem as easy as this. Like how we're taught how to solve algebra problem in school, or learn about changing car tires from my dad, there are just some things that we're never taught of. And so I guess, its something we all learn as we move along. Some people does better at it, while others, like I am, are unable to handle it in the best of ways.

Anyway I'm glad it didn't cost me much, that no other hardware was damage besides a PSU and a LAN card. Now I have to wait for the return of the PSU.

*speechless*

It hit me again.
Why am I so nervous and uncomposed?

I wonders... am I so afraid or nervous that I unconsciously "running away"?

Arghh...

I'm just a man. I'm not a hero...

... I'm just a boy who's meant to sing this song.

And indeed I'm just a boy. But am I really a man?

While I am a man physically, sometimes I don't know if I'm a man mentally. It's like there's a part of me that just cannot grows up, that refuse to be mature. I realize that I've always react childishly to situations, never able to keep my head compose and when I started to see clearly again, the damage has been done. This weakness has always been a apart of me for almost forever. And now, I should have grown up, so many mistake has been done I'd thought I'd learn but I never did learn a thing.

I've always think that I have to find the problem in me and fix it before its too late. And its like now, I've finally found the problem. I'm facing it now...

and I don't know what to do...

I guess this will be a part of me I'll always hate. It's not going to be the last time screwing me up, I don't know how long more it will stay with me. Maybe it'll lead me to a solitary life, god knows.

The ironic thing; Me always wanting to love others when I'm hating myself. Peculiar.

Humiliating amusing

Last night I couldn't fall asleep, I just can't clear my mind. So here I was sitting in front of my PC not knowing what to do.

Somehow I notice the microphone on my headphone, and I though of trying it out. With a simple audio capturing program, let's just say I've capture my own voice, replaying it and laughing at myself silly. I don't know why it just sounds so strange and it reminds me to stay away from any microphone in the future.

But nevertheless, it makes me realize that a mic won't just record humans voice. With a guitar, that microphone and a simple audio editing program, I think I can do some fun stuff to fill my time. I guess this way, it helps me pass the time as well as giving me the much needed distraction.

Though I swear I'll never do another vocal recording.

Week 1 O.o

Here comes the weekend, thank god. What a week it had been.

The classes schedule just doesn't fits me. It's such a pain, sometime dragging my day until 7pm. It's almost insane, each time I stroll through the campus at 7pm, its a ghost town.

And yeah, just the first week and I screwed up, I don't know where what but hey that's me. I'm never capable of sustaining anything thats good, and now I'm back to where I'm use to, an all time low.

7 weeks more to go, and I'm no, I'm in no disillusion that I can break out of this after the sem ends. But somehow I just wants this sem to pass by me as quickly as possible.

I hope I can make it through this next 7 weeks.

3rd and long...

It's been 3 days since the semester started, and everyday's just the worst day.

Sometimes the anticipation towards it is much more fun than actually living through it. All the classes turns out to be a boring one. Small group in small rooms, long hours dragging through a draggy sleepy afternoon. Or probably...

I don't really know what's bugging me to be honest. It's like I wants the days to pass quickly, going to bed everynight hoping its the next day when I open my eye. And yet I don't even feel like going to any classes. I'm so unmotivated its nothing like last semester. I'm at a all time low.

And it's only the 3rd week. How am I going to make it through the next 7 weeks.

A Better Something...

Well, it's the weekend already and the holidays are close to its end.

In a way, it sort of heading for a close on a more positive note. Exam results out, I've cleared another 4 papers in this long tiring study life. And um... a couple of good things sort of jabs some positive "energy" into me and I'm glad as I know next semester will, as always, be a very taxing ones. I'm thankful for everything actually.

I just hope that things would gets better slowly as time goes on. It's going to be a bumpy ride no doubt, and nothing is certain at all. Everything and everyone will continue to change.

Maybe there'll be a blessing in disguise down the road, maybe I'll be a better person, maybe things will work out. Or maybe I'm heading for spiral downfall, maybe I'll lose everything. I don't know, no one could tell what the future holds.

But all that I could do is to do what I could, and keeps my fingers cross for any help from any higher beings out there.

Heh

Who Knows

Maybe our hearts will find their way
Only heaven knows

That was from a song written by Rick Price. Now this guy have some strange voice but lets not go there. It's a nice song anyway, and that couple of lines just hit home to me.

I don't mean to be religious here but sometimes when everything becomes so confusing, its like I can't even begin to understand what's going on, let alone telling where something will leads to.

But sometimes it does seems like its all just in my head, unable to accept that as time goes on, everything changes, and sometimes not in the direction I'd wish it would be. I think, maybe...