How To Save A Life?

I'm really sorry for whatever mistakes and misjudgment I've committed
And I'm really sorry that I damaged our friendship
I really miss the friendship we used to have
And I miss you, LF, very much

I am aware that it was all my fault
But however far off it may be now
I do hope that someday somehow,
You'll be able to find it in you to forgive me

When It All Goes Wrong Again

Ever had one of those times you just wonder what went so wrong that a person could turn into someone who hates you so much? Especially when the person is someone you consider close to you (regardless of how he/she sees you as), or a friendship that meant everything to you.

Well, clearly I'm in the minority here. Maybe its because unlike everyone else, I don't have many people that I'm close with in my life. Dropping 50 bucks into a fire brings a completely different meaning for a poor chap compared to what it meant to Bill Gates.

Or maybe this person meant a lot to me...

I guess that why I always acted like a retard. Its my biggest fear, and I'm insecure.

A poor man would be paranoid about his 50 bucks, because it meant everything to him and he just wouldn't want to lose it.


But still, that's probably what that pushes the people further away. So its a retarded cycle I'm caught in, caused by my own issue that contributes to the cause of that issue.

Oh boy...


Out of my depth
Lost in the dark
Waiting for the other shoe
To come down hard

I cannot communicate
Like I wish I could

I do not deal with my problems
Like I know I should

I am out of my depth
I am out of my league
Watching everything
Just slip away from me

Its hard to fall asleep with a busy mind
I can't stop thinking about everything

Time went by too fast
Others may disagree
But I never was on solid ground
I guess I always need more time
More than anyone does
More than what we had

Its sad to know how far I've fell off
And I'm still falling every day

Don't it make you sad to know that life is more than who we are.

I'm just a speck of dust in your universe
I thought I could follow suit
Gather all the courage and shine
But I ended up just a black dwarf
A dead star

Still I think about you all the time

Asthenia

Sometimes I lay awake at night and wonder

Just where did I go wrong?

Then a voice comes to me and says,

this is going to take more then one night

I feel alone and I'm tired. I'm tired of making the same recurring mistakes.

Maybe I'm just tired. I'm just too tired to lay awake trying to figure out why or how I kept burning the bridges I tried so hard to build.
I keep wishing I was a better person, maybe someone who scores higher on the scholastic and social richer scale. Then maybe I wouldn't be so screwed up. Maybe the gap to bridge wouldn't be this wide.

Instead, I'm just a useless nobody, trying to be somebody to someone.


I feel like I'm the only person in the world capable of driving away someone who's a very important friend to him, who perhaps meant the world to him but he's just too retarded to know how. Maybe its because of the feelings he had that fails to show how much a person meant to him through his actions, his actions just doesn't shows it.

I'm angry... at myself
I'm lonely... that's my fault
I'm tired... of this life

It's true what they say, that time plays trick on us.

The path I was on was certainly no where near the usual one. I don't know if its a bad thing, but I guess, there are things I just can't be.

I knew I never was a great person, but I certainly thought that through all this flaws, I could somehow... I guess, I thought that there are things that I could overcome, that perhaps, I could offset my flaws and it wouldn't make me any lesser of a person.

And yeah, those years I guess it certainly seemed that way. But we were young, and I guess that's one of the good things about then. We see everyone the same and the world in shades of gray.

But I guess my biggest mistake was to think that there are certain things I could overcome, that I could be more than where I started out.


We all begin with good intent
Love was raw and young
We believed that we could change ourselves
The past could be undone
But we carry on our backs the burden
Time always reveals
In the lonely light of morning
In the wound that would not heal
It's the bitter taste of losing everything
That I've held so dear.

I know I'm a pessimist, but how could one not be when everything keeps revealing itself in ways I feard to be the worst.