The Torment of Tantalus
When I was young I must have done something so terrible to someone that life is now punishing me. In fact, I could probably think of one or two examples which today I do regret acting the way I did. Being young, hormonal charged, and filled with superficiality was no excuse for my behavior.
And this is strange, coming from a person who spends his free time learning general relativity and quantum mechanics in hope that someday he will be able to comprehend the more advance and interesting science subjects such as string theory or parallel universes.
But how do you explain when something goes so horribly wrong beyond it's comprehension. I blame myself for damaging things beyond repair, I just don't know how I could be doing this without realizing throughout the years. Trying to figure all this out seems to be beyond my intellectual capacity. Now it feels like I'm in this perpetual punishment and I truly regret that it's damaging one of the most important thing in my life.
Truth be told, had I been able to understand where have I gone wrong, I would have been able to avoid these wrong steps in the first place. The only thing I know for sure is that I never wanted things to be the way they are right now.
But the damages have been done, and I'm paying the price for it every day. I don't know if I'll ever pay my dues in this life time. But right now all I want is to fix this thing, and I am helpless. There's only so much I can do on my own, I can't change another person's heart. I just there's something I could do, and I keep trying to find ways but I still remains in a hopeless place.
I guess sometimes no matter how strong something may seem like once upon a time, there are things it could not survive. I do wonder how different would be, if I was an ordinary person, capable of functioning socially as well as anyone else. What would it be if I did not have all these flaws I could not overcome.
Maybe somewhere out there in a different time and universe, there's a version of me capable of normal social functions, and isn't mentally retarded. Maybe this person would have even been lucky enough to have that single most important person in his life, instead of ending up alone with haunting memories and tormenting regrets.
And this is strange, coming from a person who spends his free time learning general relativity and quantum mechanics in hope that someday he will be able to comprehend the more advance and interesting science subjects such as string theory or parallel universes.
But how do you explain when something goes so horribly wrong beyond it's comprehension. I blame myself for damaging things beyond repair, I just don't know how I could be doing this without realizing throughout the years. Trying to figure all this out seems to be beyond my intellectual capacity. Now it feels like I'm in this perpetual punishment and I truly regret that it's damaging one of the most important thing in my life.
Truth be told, had I been able to understand where have I gone wrong, I would have been able to avoid these wrong steps in the first place. The only thing I know for sure is that I never wanted things to be the way they are right now.
But the damages have been done, and I'm paying the price for it every day. I don't know if I'll ever pay my dues in this life time. But right now all I want is to fix this thing, and I am helpless. There's only so much I can do on my own, I can't change another person's heart. I just there's something I could do, and I keep trying to find ways but I still remains in a hopeless place.
I guess sometimes no matter how strong something may seem like once upon a time, there are things it could not survive. I do wonder how different would be, if I was an ordinary person, capable of functioning socially as well as anyone else. What would it be if I did not have all these flaws I could not overcome.
Maybe somewhere out there in a different time and universe, there's a version of me capable of normal social functions, and isn't mentally retarded. Maybe this person would have even been lucky enough to have that single most important person in his life, instead of ending up alone with haunting memories and tormenting regrets.
posted by Garry at 2:26 AM
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