Cold long nights

Lately, it's been raining everday
It feels like it's raning in my head too
And man I feel so cold inside

So raininy nights like this is a perfect night to lay my head down and trying to fall alseep. Sometimes reflecting the day staring blankly at the ceiling. And I must admit there are regrets and things that I wish had been done differently.

I mean, I cant help but to always ask myself would things had been different had I did so and so instead of what I had actually did, or things that I say. Sometimes wishing I do had the chance to do it differently, or say something else, saving whatever that's left.

But hey, actions are always subjected to people's interpretion which is something subjective, therefore it doesnt always shows the real intention, or whatever I felt/mean to others. And words could only go so far sometimes the words that seems perfect always turns out wrong.

It doesn't gets easier each time. And it just makes me more and more affraid of making more mistake, that I can't bring myself to do or say anything, thinking its safer that way.

Well enough of that today. The bad headache I had for the pass couple of days had really brought me down today. Feeling a little feverish and screwed up in my head now.

*puts on one last song before I go to sleep in hopes of dreaming*

Things That I Can Never Say

Sometimes I have this wild thought, feelings actually, that, others can read my mind O.o???

Its like you screw up when you say something to someone, always having problem to find the right words. So, you just keep you opinion to youself, and dang, you screw up again. And you go like, is he/she reading my mind?

Of course in real life the situation is more complicated than that.

Anyway its a pretty lunatic, ludicrous, holy cow shit insanity thought. I mean, it's insane if humans can read other's mind. At the same time, its a pretty scary thought too isnt it, heh.

But there's another side to it. That we could somehow, express ourself to someone in ways that words just fails to say anything.

There are certain things that sometimes I can't say, feelings that I cannot express to someone because I'm simply not in the position to do without changing things. And it's not just in words, sometimes I feel I'm better of keeping the feelings to myself and not let it shown in any way at all. I mean, how are we to show or express something that could potentially jeopardize the situation when we know that time had already changed everything in the wrong direction?

Fact is, its complicated. So maybe if people could just read my mind, they would know all the truth and what I actually feel and stuff like that, leave it up to them then...

And avoid any potential fallout that could worsen things.

But ah, life isnt as easy as that. A prevention of something always equate to the lose of something else. How sad. =(

The holidays so far...

Been a week going into the breaks, well, so much for the long boring break. 7 days flew by just like that.

I haven't been able to spend it constructively, just playing some games, sleeping (lots of them), thinking, idle heh. The ISP continues to throttle the broadband line, and I'm unable to complete the download of Dawson's Creek season 3, which should had been completed a week ago and me wathing it this week. But thanks to the ISP whom we pay every month and they treat us like a bunch of child, everythings ruined.

And one thing strange is that my extended sleeping time has also sort of giving me more weird dreams. There was once I had this dream about something that actually did happened years ago, during my high school days. Actually it was just a writing contest, a very small one, did by my class english teacher. Actually we all have to submit an essay as our assignment anyway, just that there were prize given and I actually got 3rd place, heh. Now that's nothing phenomenal, its just a small class in a small school, but what's significant about it is that on that day after I woke up, it sort of reminds me that I'm not an all time loser after all.

Sometimes, everybody bleeds the same way, everyone's flawed, no one's perfect. And while I may have a little more flaws than the others, and my life's a little harder than the rest, it doesnt really makes me someone crippled or handicap.

And um, thanks to my dad's accoustic guitar, I've been practicing the song "stay together for the kids" by blink 182 on it. It's a pretty simple song, simple lead with 2 basic power chords only. Now I ain't a good guitarist, and my playing totally ruin the entire song, but it's a good practice for me, in hopes of polishing my playing capabilites in general.

Curtains

Another long semester came to an end. It was the 16 week semester, and to be honest, while I was in it, everything just seem to flew pass, so quickly. But now looking back at it, so many things had happened, it was indeed a lengthly timeframe.

So many things had change, and its ironic how during those times, I realize things had changed during then, and now looking at it, it just makes me feels life is all about constant changing. But it's just too bad that we always comes to a point where there is no turning back, no matter how one trys or hope, there was no turning point.

Now to academic, I'm worryingly unworried seeing all my peers now moving foward with their studies, I'm totally lagging. By the end of the year, I'll be officially a 1 year younger computer majoring student, with absolutely no one that I know in this same course with me. Ok yeah, I dont like the alone part, but I should have been worried that I'm lagging behind, but...

Actually last semester was the final semester where I'll be having the same class as some of my friends. By next semester, I'll have 2 friends left, 3rd semester, probably 1 or 2, not all subject as well. Next year, complete solitary classes I'll be having. I've always wonder how it feels like to go to a class sitting alone, not having any friends [no one to help sign my attendence too =( ] well I guess very soon I'll find it out, first hand experience.

In life, we learn about resposibilities and mistake. Once we're a fully mature adult, we'll be able to handle the resposibility part, but learning from mistakes, I think that's a lifetime one. So, some mistakes made here and there, lessons learned the harsh way.

Now that's about it. And to be completely honest, I can't wait for next semester to start. It's only the second day and I'm already feeling so empty and bored. Heheh, guess holidays ain't what it use to felt like.

Time moves on

Confused, disconcert, perplex, bewilded, mystified - A thesaures of emotions when a person feels like standing in the middle of a dark room, not knowing what's going on or what will happens.

Anyway, it's holiday again, as usual. And it kick off with a bang, literally. Broadband went boom again, 2 days taken offline. No surprise there from the local ISP, but what surprise me is the time my broadband goes off. The last time I had my semester break, the broadband went off for almost 4 days, and complicated everything it possibly could.

Sometimes I dont know if I should just let it pass or worry about it. Am I curse? Or is this damn ISP cursed to doom into oblivion, and it was just a coincidence? I dont know, really. I'm not a believer but a part of me keeps asking could there be something that I couldnt bring myself to beliving, or perhaps refuse to?

But I could swear I'll freak out if it happens again. Logic here is that its about 18 weeks since the last break down, and perhaps that's the lifespan of their hardware, whatever. Next semester is a short one, so... I dont want to see this happens again... sigh

Ok, so much on my tragic tale of broadband usage. I'm sleepy now...

This holidays, I dont know what to look foward too. But I sure will be sorry once it's over.

*yawn*... TBC... =.=zZ

Finished 3 papers, 1 more to go...
But the burdern felt is only like 65% gone. Another 35% more weighted on this final remaning paper.

My motivation is running at a new low now. I just can't bring myself to do any revision. And strange thing is that, I'm just like drifting aimlessly in this space time.

I'm not looking foward to finishing the exam. My breaks has had became more and more of a drag since the last one. No longer as good as it use to be. Days are just so long and quiet. I'm not looking foward to next semester either. Cause that's when I have to face the consequence of my not-properly-done exam.

And this sem, will be the last I'll see of my friends from other majoring, and next sem, the last of em from the same majoring as me. Ok, by any luck, 3rd sem I'll have some friends together with me in a subj or two. Then it's all on my own. Some nice 2 years to look foward too ="(

Not that anyone will miss me anyway lol. Just me, an disillusioned asshead. Maybe I'll cope with being alone very well afterall, who knows...

3 more years... 3 more years....

Should be sleeping now, but just needed to throw this thoughts out of my head somewhere.

Erm... actually I was about to quote myself here, something off what i posted at lynet, but i thought... well, probably it isnt complicated afterall, at least not for others. I just think that things are complicated for me, because it is me. Maybe I didn't know how to handle certain things, or how to respons. Maybe I'm just too cold of a person after all.

My heart just can't speak itself out anymore.

And I just gotta live with the consequence, trying not to let it destroy me.
There are just some mess we have to live with...


PS:
Any day it'll all be over
Any day there's nothing new
And now I just try to find some hope
To try and hold onto
And it starts again
It'll never end

I'm heavily broken
And I don't know what to do
It just seems like I'm choking
And I can't even move
(What can I do)

Almost giving up on trying
Almost heading for a fall
And now I'm screaming
I've gotta keep on fighting
But then again
It doesn't end
-The Veronicas, Heavily Broken

Finish downloaded their album, heh... after so long since I saw their clip on TV. These girls are great. May not be like Avril Lavigne's punk-ness, but they do rock well =)

The looks and sounds alike btw =D

It's officialy exam week...

Gotta keep my head straight
Cannot be so disillusional
Cannot act like a fool
Just keep my head straight
Just for two weeks

Today, I watch one of the best race by Michael Schumacher. Ferrari's Bridgestone tyre sucks in wet condition, all Bridgestone runners was no where to be found. The odds was stacked agains Michael.

In the end he won. He wasnt the fastest on track, but he kept everything in control, stay calm, made no mistake, and grab the victory when everyone else makes mistake. He'll be missed next year when he hangs up his helmet =(

How I wish I could be as compose as him.