I'm pathetic

But I guess, maybe most people, if they were to be in this position, feeling like they are losing something that meant everything to them, then maybe, one would be as pathetic as I am too. The feeling of being helpless, the perpetual failure and backfires despite your attempts to make things better. You're just being gripped with the desire to do something, and yet you've ran out of ways and means. Guess that's when the only thing that stands is honesty. The things that you really feel, the things that you really wanted to do but its all in vain.

I just wish I could have successfully made a different, and not let things got this bad...

I guess its true they say, it takes two to tango...

Talking To Myself

Just another lonely day, I'm such a pathetic person

But I guess there's a reason why... Why I could never get close to anyone

And why people have the tendency to have negative feelings or hate against me, whether or not they realize it. My shortcomings and lack of good social sense may often paint me as a horrible person who's a lot to manage or deal with that its easier to just stay away from.

I can't for the life of me think why I would want to intentionally be a horrible person towards the people that matter most to me, like LF who's friendship was probably the only thing I really cared about, and I'm incapable of sustaining it the way it used to be.

Maybe I'm a bad person, trying hard to suppress my horrible ways, and fail, but I would never intentionally destroy those bridges I can't build myself. Otherwise, I wouldn't have been this miserable.

However, regardless of what the hell that's really wrong with me, it all comes down to the fact that I'm a socially flawed person. I wish I'm not, but I am. I wish I could be a nicer person people likes, a person that is capable of being someone important to others. Or at least, just to a person or two. Somehow I guess I can't or fail along the way despite years of trying.

If I ever acted like a bitter hateful person, its only because I'm mad at myself. I can't justify myself this way.

I do not doubt, that all these people out there who have the chance to have her friendship, or be her close friend, an important friend or more are very lucky. To have a good thing, to have a friend like LF is a very lucky thing. But luck isn't what it takes. Those people are not lucky enough to have it, but they are normal enough of a person, good enough of a person, or perfect enough of a person to have it. Thats what it takes, or at least I guess thats how it seems like.

I guess it is all about everything I'm not. I'm just a boring and socially awkward person who's sometimes annoying and better forgotten. When a person really gets to know me, they would see the horrible side of me, and that's when the table would turn against me. It isn't something new, its just something that I though I could overcome, and it would never happens here, not with LF, but apparently I'm wrong. Its like a feature in me, and no matter where I go and who I meet, its going to happen again and again.

Ultimately, the issue is here in my. I'm sorry everyday that I wasn't able to overcome it at an earlier time, cause of all the friendship, I'd never wanted it to take its toll here...