Independence day....un-independence mind

Yeah, today was the independence day of my country. Huzzaaa, big deal. I wasn't a patriotic guy at all, and so i didn't celebrate it, but instead doing other better stuff with my friends, which is so much more worth it. Anyway, on my way home, I saw how patriotic other citizens were, which (should) make ashame of myself. They were carrying flag everywhere their vehicle, showing their love for the country at the cost of their petrol (outrageous number/size flag creats lots of drag).

But well, that's as far as their brilliantness goes. Carring an oversize flag on a minature bike is one thing, but their bonehead-ness showed in their road-manners. Over-rev-ing their bike is a real dumb hobby as it puts mechanical stress on the engine, thus bringing it one step closer towards the junk yard. And petrol these days isn't cheap. And oh, did I mention all of this were before the lights turn green? Yeah, 5 second of revving without going places. Nut case.

Ah, not that I'm complaining that they have this kind of stone-age mentallity. The more backwards they go, the better off the sane citizens are.

Nuff of that. I'm real tired today. One round of Counter Strike Source and I'm off to bed.

The dreamcatcher that's never was and never will be

I have a problem of always getting or settling down for something lesser than what I bargain for. Let's take my current computer as an example.

I wanted a Radeon 9800 Pro video card, which is fast enough to make the most out of my system base on a P4 2.8Ghz CPU. But I can't afford it without selling a kidney and so ended up with the R9600Pro, half the price, half the performance. Oh, did I mention I accidently bought the R9600P that actually comes with a slower memory speed version? Same goes with my CPU cooler. Bought a 3rd party cooler in hopes of a more silent cooler, I ended up with a good performing cooler, but no more silent the the vaccume cleaner.

Sometimes I'd like to see myself as a dreamchaser, but never a dreamcatcher. All I'm good at is to have the desire, the dream of something, but never really turn it into something real. And what's worst, what I chase won't set me free. So i wonder if it's really all that good to have dreams and hopes. Motivative? Yes it is. But motivation brings hopes sky high, and when I miss the jackpot, disappointment overcomes me. I can't help it.

Well, perhaps I should start to limits all my expectation. I should look myself in the mirror coz i guess sometimes i forgets where i stand, or who am I.

Anyway, here's the only thing i dare to hope for now:


NVidia 6600GT, about 3 times more powerful that my old R9600Pro. Ah, don't get me wrong here, i'm not a unfaithful guy, just that the slow ram is really bugging its performance, heh. I've set my target straight, going for MSI brand, nothing else. Even if I have to pre-order and wait for it, so be it.

And in the mean time, I'm keeping my fingers crossed that everything will be alright.

Goddammint, it's 2.30am and I can't sleep, yet. Wonder why. Perhaps I overslept my evening nap. Sigh.

Ah, anyway, somehow i was moved to drop a post here before i go to bed and tries to sleep off into a perfect world again. This is a better way of killing time then to put my mind on full load thinking of stuff that shouldn't even be there.

Oh well, maybe this weekend have been kinder to me, due to the exam's over effect. But i ain't pop-ing the champange first. in a month time, I'll be cursing at myself again, dragging myself through the final exam. Life's really a drag at that time of the sem. I thought to myself that I should get some (though undeserve) break from all this academic shit, but i just can't help but to think of how am i gonna cope for the next 4 weeks. I won't even wanna think of checking out my screwed up result.

But what bothers me is that my studying engine, which has been warmed up during the mid term exams period, is starting to cool down and fade away. With 4 weeks left, there ain't no room for me to waste on trying to pick the pace up. Man this is shit. Why can they get over the damn mid term exams much earlier?

That aside, don't even get me started on the assignment. Argh. I wonder how the rest of my friends are capable of enjoying like there's no tomorrow today, and next thing you know, all of them passed all papers with no sweat.

Guess I'll stop here. Let's see, what do I want to dream about tonight? Flying a F-15 bomber flatening my campus? Oh yeah....ok, i'm begining to sounds like a drunken moron.

Hope for a sweet dream, kthxbye.

August 24th...
The exams have over-run my mind...
Somehow...I'm still alive

Finally, another mid term exam paper is over, and this gives me a couple of weeks or more worth of breathing space. Part of me wanted to jump in happiness after that paper, as i've finally gets some time to rest, but after the exam, it became like a funeral, and now I'm sitting here infront of my comp blogging, talking to myself moodlessly. Oh well, let's just put that shit out of mind mind for now. I ain't gonna mourn about it, at least not till the result are out.

Anyway, with only few weeks left, i actually don't think there's much to cheer about. Any fair weather smiles shall comes after that. Ah well, here comes the end of another sem, which has nothing much to be remembered for, except some mistake that I regrets everyday...every single day. This sem was such a waste. There are some good times to of course...ok, guess I'll take the picture of what's good and leave the rest.

Sigh...I'm running out of time. Or perhaps, time was long gone. How I wish I could fix everything. But that will makes me a god if I could.

Blogging without a cause. Yet it's so significant to me.

Everyday day, when I go online, I'll at least once go back to my blog page. And sometimes when I do feel like there's something that I'd like to get off my chest, I'll go the log in page and start blogging.

Why I keep doing this? Well, as anyone who does frequently read my lame blogs will notice it, that I don't really use it as online diary to post all my daily, weekly or whatever time frame incident, experience or whatever. Apart form the fact that no one cares or interested to read about what I eat or how boring my class is everyday, well, blogging sometimes gives me the feeling like I'm talking to someone. Perhaps yeah, I'm talking to either my computer, myself, or both. Hey, everyone sometimes need to talk to someone ain't they. To let everything out, just to feel better for the moment, though its just for the moment.

BTW, yesterday I saw someone YM status with the statement "Sometimes it's easier to talk to the wall. It's always to listent to you."

This is life, when you're not one of those fortunet ones who have lots of friends around you all of the time, where they just don't runs our of listener. I ain't one of them, perhaps that's why I've started blogging, and will always will.

Makes no difference

Strange stuff, i read on the papers the other day about this 13th zodiac sign. In this system, my birthday puts me as a Gemini, while in the common one, I'm a Cancer. Read, I have two different zodiac sign XD.

So well, does this means I can choose? Heck certainly I'd very much like to see if being a Gemini can brings a much happier life to me. Oh well, I don't believe in this crap actually, but hey, I'm begining to sound so pathetic eh?

Haiz...I'm just looking for some good luck. Just a little would have make all the difference. Sigh. What thing I do that could have gone right?

Social skills, I always tried to improve on that, but instead of making more friends, I'm loosing it. My studies, each sem passes, the hill i had to climb is getting steeper and yet, I'm always going downhill instead. Yeah, the steeper it gets, the faster I'm going down hill, makes sense, ain't it? Gaming is a addiction I can never get off its hook. And oh, the worst of all, day in day out, I've tell myself to stop bitching about it. Oh well, it's another ops I did it again. Geezz, sometimes I'm so afraid of trying anymore. The more I try to fix thing, the more it backfires on me.

Ah, but anyway, good thing i only bitch and whinne on the net. Heh.

Sigh....luck luck luck.

This will save my unsaveable life tomorrow.
Oh so free I am. Sad though.

ZOMFGWTFGODDAMNEXAMS

Ah, the next couple of days will be the day where it proves that I ain't studying enough. Certainly this time around it won't be easy at all, unlike the first paper. No more fairy tale results. I'm not fully prepare at all. This sucks.

Damn I'm always playing a part of a unlucky fool. Ok, being pure lazy and playful isn't really unlucky. But I always gets all the bad luck anyway, duh. Oh well, anyway I don't wanna be bitching about my luck here. Who cares anyway.

I think I better go to bed now and get some real good rest, else I'll be hell of tired by evening.

Where is my FEAR?

Due to the lack of fear of failing my exam, I just tried out a single player of the upcoming First Person Shooter game, FEAR (First Encounter Assult Recon). I didn't complete the whole demo as I was just satisfying my curiosity on how the game looks like and feel. I played for only about 10 mins, but I must say I'm very impress by the game.

The graphic is just gorgeous, nothing short of Half Life 2 details level and Doom 3 shadows. But due to my sissy graphic card, the game was unbearablely slow and so i had to turn off all the eye candy, unfortunetly. But the game was barely playable anyway. But that doesn't stop me from trying it out, as i was eager to find out how it's AI (Artificial Intelligence) works, which these days is a very curical part of the game.

And to my surprise, it was the best AI I've even seen since i've started playing computer games. I was at the easiest difficulty setting, and the NPC just keep moving around taking cover behind walls. And they are capable of jumping through an opening like a window without being scripted (Scripted means they are animated to jump, which means they will jup regardless of where u are). This is the first time I've seen a NPC doing so. All the other games, the NPC will just walk through the door and have their head blast into bits by your shotgun.

Anyway, the game do contain some horror element. So far, in the 10mins play, I did only encounter once where u'll see a shadowly figure pass right infront of u and dissappear. I'd like to think of it as a first person shooter version of silent hill, but then other than that, the combat is the usual macho gun to gun combat.

Ah, I guess I'll wait for my damn exam to pass before completing the entire demo, hoping it will really freak me out, heh. In the mean time, I'm thinking of upgrading my Radeon 9600 Pro graphic card to the GeForce 6600GT. My card just ain't fast enough anymore, damn.

Another hell week

In the next couple of weeks time frame, I'll be having 3 exams paper, which only mean one word; SUCKS. Oh well, I've deal with this many times, but still each time the exams comes around, it's really stressful, and very depressing. Afterall, oftent times I came into this without clearing out my mind.

The studies ain't any easier. Each subject just don't make any sense to me. It's like I'm trying to learn Quantum Physics in French language. Sometimes I wonder why I even took engineering course in the first place. It's like now it's a very bad choice which might backfires in the future.

Sigh, there's just so much to comprehend. Anyway, there was someone on a forum who once mention this...
...it just depends on how you handle it. just take some time, and think about what it is you want to happen...remember, if what you want doesn't happen, don't stress... it's all a part of God's plan and you'll see that what He wants to happen will be much better for you in the long run! I'll always keep that in mind. And to accept things, no matter how bad it turns out to be. At least I will try too.

Anyway, good luck to all my friends who's gonna be sitting for the mid term exam too.

My dreams are but a single tear.
Lost in the vast depth of the ocean.
Impossible to be found.
And pointless to have.

My bitter pill

This is just what I need right now.

I'm just too bored and free, sigh >.<

................................

.......
Right now I'm kinda speechless
There's just so much thoughts on my mind, and yet I'm lost of words
.......
.......
Is this what we all need?

.......
.......
I'm disappointed with myself.
I fuck my own life up
.......
I'm sorry I fell out of line.
I'm sorry that I can't comprehend myself lately.
.......
I think I'm out of words
.......
.......
I just wish that I can go to sleep and dream off to a perfect world, and never wake up in this fucked up world.

This picture I created is dedicated to Ferrari F1 Team's driver, Rubens Barrichello, who will be leaving the team by the end of the season. As a fan of Ferrari, I have lots of respect for this guy, for all that he had sacrifices for the team. He's one of the best team player out there. He have my all due respect and I wish him best of luck for his future in F1.

Gender discrimination...

This happens in online games, where the players are all real humans, as I've learned recently.

I'm a player of a online MMORPG game called Maple Story, which currently have many players in it. And here's what happend

First of all, I created a female character, simply because it was said that female's armor are cheaper as compared to male (there, a first sign of discrimination) as many of my guys friend did. And while I was at it, i though, why not make it real? And so I went with a feminine name, and simply choosed CuteCindy, in hopes that it does sound feminine XD.

Now lets look at the number of friends I have.

I have a total of 16 user in my buddy list. Keep in mind only 3 of those are friends whom I knew and I added them. The rest are all others who randomly add me.

Now let's see what my the other male character has.

Pathetic.
It speaks for itself.

Another sunny day beneath this cloudless sky.
I'm sure 10 years ago I'd love to see it.
Now I just wish that it would rain here.
And wash away all my hopes and fears.

Addiction

Oh well, no addiction is good, but my addiction to music is very, erm...strange i'd say. When I'm addicted to a song, I'll oftent play it few times in a day. Not that my HDD is lack of MP3 files. But lately I find myself playing this few song over and over again.

Well, here' are my latest addiction:

1. Everybody's Fool
by Evanescence
This song has gotta be one of their best I've ever heard. It's not just the meaningful lyrics, the complete song itself is at its best. I just ove the guitar arrangement. And Amy Lee has had one of the best female vocal in rock besids Avril Lavigne.
This particular line caught my attention most:
Perfect by nature
Icons of self indulgence
Just what we all need
More lies about a world that
Never was and never will be...

2. Back Home
by Yellowcard
This song is kinda nice, somesort of slower mordern rock. Well, the band itself is good, almost all of the song off their album Ocean Avenue are good, but this has to be the best. I don't really think it's a emo song BTW
Don't know what I was looking for when I went home
I found me alone
And sometimes I need someone to say, "You'll be all right. What's on your mind?"
But the water's shallow here and I am full of fear
And empty handed after two long years

3. Here's To The Night
by Eve 6
Another slow song, nothing special, just love to listent to it. Sometiems I find this song kinda easy my pain at harder times XD
Here's to the nights we felt alive
Here's to the tears you knew you'd cry
Here's to goodbye tomorrow's gonna come too soon

Well, till i get hooked up on other songs, i guess those song will be on my hard drive for sometimes. I do have back up copies actually XD
Oh yeah, Avril's latest single Fall To Pieces is kinda good too. Boy, why am I into female rockers these day...

What a week I had.

This week is my mid sem break, but i guess luck ain't giving me a break.

This fateful week kick off with a broadband problem, which brought me offline for a couple of days. Man it's a wonder how I manage to survive through it. Well, this wasn't the first time as there was once i was offline for 1 week, but heck back then i wasn't so net dependent as i am now. Damn the sufferness is so hard to swallow.

And just as things begin to settle down, I'm hit by a fever today. Ended up spending most of my days hibernating. Sigh.

Comes tomorrow, it'll be friday, the end of the week and unfortunetly, I haven't touch a single book for my revision as I though I should/would do. there goes my mid term break, spending most of my time being idle.

I guess my runs of bad luck never ends, be it during the sem or break. Argh, lady luck, i need a break.