[Part 1] The Year That Was

What a year 2006 has been. It just came and now leaving so fast, I guess I was so caught up in my every day’s life routine but as fast as it came and go, so many things had happened. Of course, there are few that’s significant, that somehow changed my life.

Some of the early calamity revolves around my academic downfall. Now that I try to recall those days, I can’t really tell for sure what really happened, I just screw up few papers. But I guess that’s why I never really learn. Now since I’m referring this year as a calendar year, which means somehow my academic year overlap into it. I can’t really remember for sure, but I suppose last year’s third semester was during the beginning of this year.

Yep, it was third semester, followed by first semester of the following academic year, and now in second semester. Now all in all, as far as I could recall, I would say that third semester was the best semester I ever had. For all the memories I had, it is as well, the best semester I’ve had thus far. And rather unfortunately, I guess, it’ll be the best I’ll ever have… as much as I wish good things could only change for the better.

Now to be honest, sometimes I think that anyone who gets such a bad academic results as I do would have freak out. I don’t know why though I never really did, heh. But I guess, circumstantially, there were some things that did help. Like, sometimes knowing that there are others who were just like me, makes it feel not so bad after all. It’s like seeing these guys still carrying on after what seems like a perpetual bad academic result and they still carry on with the hope of completing this one day.

But that’s about how a year, 365 days, passes in our life. Of course many things could happen, but only few are significant. And as much I’d like to put it in words, I just don’t know how. But you know, it’s always good when someone who came into our life plays a significant role, sort of like somehow being a part of shaping us up. Yeah, I had changed a lot ever since I stepped into university life. All these close friends are these significant people in my life, although I don’t have many of them.

So I’d say that, this year I’ve learned a lot. Many things I’ve sort of learned or experience were something that I never once thought would be possible, like, those were too good to be true for a person like me. I can’t swear they were all real, but it certainly felt that way. And I guess that in a way, many ways actually, it changed me, for the better. It’s like you know, after some long tiring harsh week, you could look forward to something that somehow makes you feel better. Like the always say, conversing with someone you’re close too often helps ease things up, even if it isn’t about what’s bugging you.

There’s a reason why I’ve mention earlier that the beginning of this year, third semester, was like the best point of my life. That was one, but not all. I guess in life, there are certain feelings that, at times it’s really good, positive, and constructive if you will. I don’t know, it’s hard to describe or explain in words, it’s so strange, almost magical. But heck, then again the circumstance was strange anyway. “Who’d thought something through the wire would eventually become something so real.” This is the easiest way to describe it.

Like they always say, every good thing has its own share of hurt and pain. Throughout the year, there are a lot of ups and down, I can’t complain. But sometimes, there are certain things that is just out of our control, that, at the least to say, that we never meant to say or do. I don’t know how but it just seems that, maybe I am to blame too for all of this. I mean, anyway, to be honest, there are certain thing that I wish I could take back, and most of all, there are so many things that I wish I had done instead of just holding back, so afraid. Now they all suddenly came up my mind again because at times like this, I spend everyday thinking that maybe it could had made all the difference for the better. Like, maybe things would have been different and it wouldn’t have been so bad.

But I guess that’s how my life went this year. All the calamities somehow got pushed and gathered at the end of the year. And so it’ll be the year that started out great and ended not so great. And for all these significant peoples in my life, I owe them in a way or another, and I sure am glad to knew them, regardless of how things will be in the future.

Cold ice

I'd play with fire to break the ice.
I'd play with a nuclear device.
Is it something I'll regret?
Why do I want what I cant get?
I wish it didnt have to be so bad.

Damned

Now's the time again signing up for next sem's courses, and put myself en route to suicide.

I somehow got myself into a huge mess now my courses a mess too. And on my table's a bunch of choice that, no matter which one I take, is just something that's so sick to do.

Wonder how I got so caught up in this perpetual downfall.

December 17 2006

Somehow I'm still alive...

Should had written this yesterday night but I was too burned out. So the presentation was over. It went pretty cool as it was actually just a casual presentation, lecturer didn't even took it seriously. And I was there like a politician talking in the House of Parliament, reading my speech and the rest of the audience daydreaming.

Well, another week came to an end. Slowly one by one task's being settled though I still yet to pay my fees and meet my academic adviser.

And, that's about it. As far as my mind goes, those questions still somehow lingers in my mind. I mean, how could it go away anyway. On and I on I wished it had never happened, because I never wanted it to be any more complicated than it should be. But I guess now I could only reflect to what a year that was, that started out so perfectly, so beautifully, I was so stupid to think those times could lasted forever and it could only get better. I really appreciated those times, but somehow now wished I'd had treasured it more. I should had watch my steps all along.

You know, I think it would be good if only we humans could take back all the things we did and/or said that we had never meant to do it. I think that alone would have made all the difference.

Dear Dairy, Your Writer's An Ass

For a guy who all the time trying to be perfect towards someone, thinking that it's worth it, that this person deserve it and nothing less, well, in the end he let this person down and it's pretty sick the way it is. I've been thinking for the pass couple of days and the only logical reason I can think of is well, I've let someone down. Someone who, never in my life will I ever intentionally do anything to hurt this person in any way.

I don't know but I guess I did. And the worst thing is I don't know where did I go wrong. Was it something that I do, something that I didn't do, or was I misunderstood again. It's nothing new when more than half of the population of people who knows me thinks I'm cold in a way or another even if I never intentionally wanting to be so, at least to say. But...

Oh well, I couldn't feel any worse about this now. I wish I knew what am I to do now. From my experience, everyone (probably except me) hates a person who makes a mistake and not knowing it. But only god knows how I wish I knew it, how I'd trade anything right now to prevent it, whatever went wrong. And yeah, only god knows too how sorry I feel now...

Anyway luck hasn't really been on my side since last Thursday, when everything seems to go wrong. That day I was soak in the rain trying to go to the venue of an all important paper, and I had to sit for it with a wet head. And on Friday, I attended a presentation session which I'm not presenting on that day, and so I look ludicrously attired with everyone else dressed formally.

I wonder how things is going to be from here. It never should be any more complicated then it already was. How could I come to this. I don't know what to do, so afraid of making another mistake.

Where Did We Go Wrong

I don't wanna turn back time
I just wanna change your heart
I just want a chance to prove to you
I really wanna chase these clouds away
Save them for a rainy day

I wanted you all along
So where did we go wrong

Lunatic

Tomorrow's due an all important paper and my attention deficit disorder prevents me from reading the book and instead, I'm lurking around the web. Its like suddenly my mind's loaded with stuff, and it had to come at this time.

I'm digging my own grave =.=

Praying for a lifeline.

Been a bumpy ride lately. But anyway this coming week will see the due date of the compiler's assignment part one, which is about writing a lexical analyzer. A real test on one's programming skills more than anything else, and I have none unfortunately.

Its times like this that I just wish I could programmer well, to a point of actually being a novice programmer, novice, but a programmer nevertheless. It's not just about this assignment, it's for my own good in the future. With my last row seat academic results, a good programming skill would have been very valuable for me. I hope it isn't too late to pick it up now.

And what would this world be without kind hearted lecturer. Basic Law mid term was postpone a few days later to avoid some kind of clash. I guess I could use this postponement too, not that I've started studying anything yet anyway, heh.

Ah, people always says that studying life's the best time of our life. So I guess either that somehow doesn't applies to me, or I'm missing something here. I'd like to think that it's the latter. Though, I cant just will out something that I wants out of nothing. I cant only take what life gives me, and with every wound that I sustain, it just makes me more and more numb.

One day I'll grow out of all of this.

One mid term paper's over.
A huge portion of the burden is lifted off my shoulders

Hmm... the feeling of it is kinda good.

*Braces for the next round of storm*