Neverland

Its been awhile since I posted anything here, well, it always isn't a good sign when I do anyway. But now that I'm here, there's so much I've wanted to pen down here for the past couple of weeks or so, but I ended up with so much and yet not much to write. I guess I would quote here "Guess this is what we ex English teachers call a classic Pinter moment where everything is said in silence cause the emotions behind what we really want to say is too overwhelming."

But besides that, nothing's changed much, I'm still a dumb person without a clue anything. Instead of finding answers and understanding things, I just get more confuse myself. Can I build bridges where once stood but I was never capable of keeping it up. It scares the hell out of me because yes, I am still the same immature me, so immature its almost retarded. I burn more bridges than I can ever build

And ultimately, I just sometimes forgets where I stand, that I still amount to almost nothing.

DSP exam sucks donkey ass. And its really a bad thing, with everything at stake, there's no room to screw up and yet, I feel like I'm in a situation where, once again, I'll go crashing down and there's no safety net this time around. I've fell once, and for all the good and bad that came along throughout the years, got me to where I am today. But I can't go through it all one more time or this time I'm gonna watch everyone I know graduating while I'll be trying to stay afloat in a huge pool of shit.

Attempting to pass these subjects is all in vain, which is pretty much a recuring theme lately. The more I try to fix something, the worse I made it, the more I make people hate me instead.

Sometimes it feels like this entire semester is a lost cause and I'm just too stupid to realize it.

Another weekend, another day my broadband went down. Its beyond bad luck, I don't know what to call it. I know this brings consequences, and I'm powerless to stop it.

Sigh...

There's a patch of blue in the stormy sky
A memory of a better time
When everything was better and less watered down
Before the summer turned to brown

Magic trick is an amazing form of entertainment, and what makes it amazing is that no matter how impossible something may be, it can be made to appears as if it happened. I've tried to learn some sleight of hand, and its amazing how simple sleights can do stuff such making a coin disappear or make a stack of cards seems to be appearing out of thin air.

Honestly, a times like this I wish I could pull off a sleight of hand magic and fix this miserable entity called life. I wish I could use a sleight of hand to undo my mistake which at that time seems like something so simple, but I failed to see the consequence.

I wish there is a sleight that can be pulled off and magically fix my broadband line last Friday.

I wish Dai Vernon had figure out a sleight that can magically fix friendships, that could magically convey how sorry we are for something that we never meant for it to be the way it turned out to be.

I know, the basic here is not to make any mistake in the first place, but as simple as sounds, its seems so hard for me. No matter how hard I tried not to, I always end up making my life a one big sorry.

I wish my line was never screwed up, I wish those bastards had fix it sooner, I wish wasn't such an asshole myself doing things I regret later on, I wish was more mature, I wish for this and that and more.

I wish I never damage some of the most important friendship I had.

Everything seems so good and simple a week ago, now I feel like I'm in a grave I dug myself and I don't know how to get out of it. I really miss it all...