I hate taking exam
I hate studying things that doesn't makes sense to me

I just hope that... any higher beings that exist out there
Could and would make my life a little less complicated

Like how it was not to long ago...

Pressures Not Flattering

Ah, exam's coming, end of semester, the usual strom that never get's easy no matter how many times it comes. Heck each time it does, it only get's harder to take.

I just somehow grow to dislike calculations, i'm just so sick of looking at endless strings of equations, sometimes i wonder why i'm doing what i'm doing. It's all so forced, I'm just doing something that I totally dislike, has no interest and motivation of doing it. I love reading about CPU architecture, operating system structure, but i just hate mathematics to the core. I hate deriving eqations, i hate solving calculus problems.

But ah, what can I do. Its something so complicated that even my parents won't understand. Either that or they just refuse to acknowledge the fact that I am taking something synomous with their vision of whats good for me, but totally agains my will. I just don't know how to make them understand that this is all totally forced, that I can never succed in this, that'll probably make me forever a loser who doesn't bring back phenomenal grades, that I am someone who believes in presuing something that i have interest in, that i have the faith i could comprehend, and not force myself into what the socity dictates best for me.

But here I am, a scholastically inept guy who will forever be branded that way due to his grades.

This exam thing is eating me alive.

Just another day

Ah well, now that its easier for me to post anything here... i... dont know what to write.

I guess i'm not really a writter person. Even before the age of internet, i never had any personal diary. i guess, the only reason i'm doing this is because i guess one day, i might read back, and either kick myself or laugh silly. I've been blogging here for more than a year, 2 i think, that i dont wanna change to any new blog, despite now taking it off the public view.

Ah, still have a load of assingment due next week. exam's near. In 5 weeks time, this will all be over, its the semester break, and then everything happens on and on again.

But still, this just doesn't feel the same anymore.

BTW i saw someone quoting this today
TIME CHANGES EVERYTHING. CAN WE TURN BACK TIME? =(

I guess, i'm not the only one facing trouble coping with changes. People changes, people grows up... I just wish that, growing up living a life doest have to equate to growing apart....

Finally, after about one and a half month, my graphic card that has been sent for warranty finally arrived. They completely replaced it with a new card, which somehow by default has been clocked at a higher frequency. Well, I guess nothing to complain there. It's great. I mean, for a change, something good actually happened.

Things hasnt been going well ever since my PSU burned, and then everything just went wrong, I mean, everything. The card got burned, and a couple of days later, the printer retired. And, it seems like harsh time just comes one after another. Its like, everything just falls apart.

Well I guess its great to have some positive luck this time. Least I know my life isn't doomed forever to be a test subject on how disasterous human's luck can be, or the elasticty of a human's mind. Well, I dont know, I just feels like if I could trade this for something else, to have something else fixed, I'd rather had that patch up, I can wait for my card, really....

Real Personal Blog This Time...

Well, I've decided to turn this into some real personal blog for myself.

No more stuff meant to be read by others lol. As such I had removed it from my lowyat.net signature (the source for shamless advertising) Thanks to those who had read this blog before. My usuall stuff will all be posted at that blogsentral.com, F1 rants or general rants and stuff like that.

This is dumb actually since the link has been removed zzz =.= But just incase, well, head over there for the good stuff...

I'm not myself lately....~

Unvoluntarily egoistic. I wonder if there's a word for it. It's like, unconsciouslly being egoistic.

Well, if there's one, I think it's my problem. It's not like I like or meant to be an egoistic person, no. Its just that, i dont know, maybe sometimes i may appear to be such an egoistic ass. And I think that, it isnt caused by my egosim, but rather, my lack of self confidence, my arrested social capabilities, maybe ya know...

This isn't the first time, that my shortcomings makes me appears to be a cold person. It's like, sometimes, maybe I say the wrong thing, or react in a wrong way. And I think above all, I can't express myself. And each time when I do, I tend to screw up big time, messing everything up.

Sometimes, I'm a little lack of responsive too, maybe.

Ah well, I dont know. I'm just so confuse. Everything's high or low, black or white, its like there's no middle ground anymore. Each time I do something, it's the wrong move and I'm dammed. I got so scared, I just sit back here not doing anything, but I know it isnt right either, and I'm dammed as well.

I never wanted to push anyone away, or to give the cold shoulders. I dont want to avoid and run away either. I'm just stranded, don't know what to do most of the time. Above all, I never wanted to be an unapproachable, cold, egoistic person.

I dont know. I'm just so screwed up, I cant promise that I can NOT be that anytime soon. It seems like the only thing that I can promise is that that was never my intention, and it never will be. I never meant to be cold. Things may change, people may change, but that wouldnt be one of my changes. I would never wanted to push anyone away.

But the fallout is there. I'm trying to limit it, to save it. God, I just wish I can miraclously uncomplicated my life.

Just Talking To Myself

Well, here I am, staring blankly at the screen. I don't know, why I even log in here...

Anyway, just finish another episode of Dawson's Creek, well the second season actually. Ok well, the only thing I like about that show very much is how philosophical the characters are, besides the occasional sarcasm, man they are classic.

Ah well, it's a little too late for another episode, was suppose to crash in now but, call it insomnia, or my biological clock tuned to New York time, or whatever, I just can't fall asleep. Ah well, not the first time...

Oh yes, about that series, there was a part Joey mention about how people changes, things changes, people grows up, they move away. I guess, it's kinda true. I mean, nothing stays the same, even the good ones sadly. Sometimes, I just wish that if things were to change, I hope it sould change for the better. But instead, this very thing that I appreciated the most, had to change for the worst. Yeah, it's so hillarious isn't it. Well, perhaps fate thinks that my pathetic life is very amusing, and to it's amusement, it makes it worst.

Well I guess, things will never change for me. I'll always be that guy who has no luck in his social life, who can't handle any kind of relationship with anyone, who had always and will always be disillusion with something so good, make him fall for it, and boom, fate comes along and bail every little bit of it out of his life.