An Unopened Letter

LF,

I guess it always boils down to this two things, all the feelings I had for you and the feeling like you were one of the best friend I ever had.

Somewhere in the past 6 years, I thought I had the chance to try an be a real close friend to you, to be what you were to me. I guess I was wrong, maybe time ran out on me, maybe I just wasn't in the right place, maybe I was wrong about what I thought I could do. Then again, I was wrong about many things and many people in the past 6 years.

No matter how late I try to stay up at the party, eventually the sun had to came up and its a different day, the 6 years I spend in college is now a distant memory. Most of the people I knew back then have now receded into fond memories. I was never good at keeping in touch with them. Then again, I was never good at anything when it comes to friendship.

But never wanted this to happen with you too. I wanted to make a difference. I'd be lying if I said I never thought of this every single day, it was my biggest fear. I can't help but to think how lucky all your friends who are able to still keep in touch with you, and all the new friends you'll meet. Will they eventually push me down into your distant past? I could only hope all of them knows how lucky they are to have your friendship and not screw it up like I did.

Even though the last time we met was during our convocation and since then, we've been only keeping in touch through online, I take what I can get. Being online is the only way I could kept in touch with you. I wish I could talk to you more often, but I know I can't push it.

I guess I screw up all a long. I can't help but to feel like there have been many things that accumulated that made you hate me, dislike me, or see me in a bad light. I don't blame you that you can no longer see me as close friend the way I was once upon a time. I'm not a normal friend like everyone else. I feel things in my own way, I go about things differently, I'm not a good friend everyone wish they had.

I guess my behavior justifies these punishments I'm getting now.

But there's a huge part of me here that wish I could tell you all of this, to tell you how I feel and apologize for everything, every single thing. I don't assume to be able to solve everything with just an apology, its just a tired word people use all the time. But I wish you knew how much I wanted to take away all those mistakes if I could.

There's no easy way I can turn things around now. I feel like I'm losing you, I'm losing my one and only friend left, and I'm powerless to stop it...

I guess all I can do is wait. To wait, and hope against all hope that someday you'll be able to find it in you to truly forgive me. I'm really sorry, LF.



Till then... These words will only remain locked in my heart's black box.

I need to be sedated
And I'll take 23 more to wipe this stupid smile off my f---ing face

I'm tired of waking up feeling alone
I'm tired all these bad excuses no longer help

Intoxicated With Sad Songs, He Says... [Part 1]

I'll miss this life. This past 6 years I spent being a college student. Granted I may not have made the best of it or had the chance to enjoy everything it had to offer like so many other people did, but I guess I can't have it all. Working life is going to be different, horribly different for a person like me. There won't be any meeting people like those I did in the past 6 years.

Its true they say, all those days just felt like so long when we were living them, most days just felt ordinary and recurring but once its all behind us, it seemed to went too fast too soon. It felt like it was just yesterday we got to knew each other and now, everyone's away down their own path.

Maybe its just me, I sucks at maintaining friendship. Maybe I'm just a useless friend nobody needs, heh. But what does it matter anymore anyway. I'm now just a faded picture that nobody sees. I try my best to reach out but there's only so much I can do, I can change how a person feel about me.

I have a lot I'd like to apologize for too, if only I had the chance. For all the things that I can't explain, yet I wish I would have done differently, in a better way. I guess they'll never know that it wasn't how I intended it to ended up as, and I'll never know how it would have been had I actually done things differently and we could be on better terms than this.