where was I. Ah yes, rambling about next sem, imagine that, it haven't even started. But I really hate classes till 7pm, and this sem I'm blessed with a few of them.

But I am seriously dead worried about it. Its going to take a me a miracle to survive this one.

I don't know. Right now it seems like everything needs a miracle. I don't believe in one myself, but... sometimes we finds ourself in a situation where we're just helpless. I really don't know what went wrong. So many things I don't know and I don't know what to expect.

I wish there's something I could do to turn everything around, back to those days. I don't know. I miss those days, and I miss her even more.

Ah well. And I'm so gonna hate Monday starting tomorrow. Morning till late evening, attending senseless chanting session.

=/

There goes another holiday, 3 weeks gone just like that. And boy did it ended in tragedy, eh. I had a bad sore throat, painful mouth, then my air conditioner started leaking a couple of days ago, still pending a repair. And if that's not worse enough, I lost my internet connection last night. Though I suppose I was lucky to have it back by this morning, boy it sure was tough few hours without the internet. And boom, there goes the 3 week break I wish I never had.


I don't know, its just so bewildering, strange. I just don't know what happened, or where I went wrong...

Anyway, moving on to next sem, its not going to be easy. The subjects are all retarded, heck the time slot itself is retarded beyond comprehensible. I'm gonna struggle, so very badly its not even funny....

I'll stop here first. Going to bed, can't think straight at this kind of time.

Should learn to blog earlier next time...

...

Without me realizing, two weeks has been gone, just like that. I felt like my holiday has been wasted just like that. It was a hollow one anyway. I don't know, right now my entire life feels like upside down, inside out. Its just sad how things in life could change so fast, and it certainly left me wonder what went wrong.

Anyway I'm kinda bored with playing electronic games. Tried Settlers 2, it was fun while learning it. Upon learning everything, its now so boring.

I just spent my most of my time lurking around in Yahoo Answers. Funny thing is I haven't been to all the usual forum that I use to frequent, such as lowyat, Ferrari F1 and hardocp. I don't even know what's going on right now with Ferrari's F1 development, or the latest computer hardware. I somewhat lost interest in those, though I hope its just temporary. I don't know.

But heck, I love spending my time there at Y!A. Maybe yeah, its because I don't really have any life, whatever. It seems whether I'm just answering pointless questions or helping out any question about people wanting to learn basic card tricks (only if I know the sleights of course), its always something fun to do.

And yes, reading Calvin and Hobbes comic. Oh well...The boy with his one and only true, best friend that basically is a character to reflect how a kids sees the world from an entirely different point of view. Others see Hobbes as just a doll, but to Calvin, he's real, and he does have physical impacts on the world around him which sometimes made the adults wonder why that kid is doing strange thing.

That's how boring my holiday was I guess. Man I feel like crap right now. I don't know why, but sometimes I just wish that I could go back to how everything use to be.

Life's just so retarded sometimes. At least mine is...

Long, boring, solitary days

Its sad how I finds my holidays yet another boring one, day after day. Its been like, more than a week now. Every day felt so long, I guess time passes slowly during calamity, just so I could suffer more. Sometimes I feel like I'm just waiting, waiting and waiting, and I don't know what I'm waiting for. I mean what the heck, am I waiting for the sky to fall onto me or something? Or am I crazy and senile to wait for a miracle? Gosh. I think I am crazy. I know I am crazy.

I hardly finds much interest in playing computer games lately. And I feels like I'm wasting my life this way not taking up any hobbies seriously. In fact, sometimes I felt regret not doing so during my teen life. Now, I felt like I'm a little too old to be doing so.

I never took guitar seriously until like 1 year ago. And its only recently that I took some interest in card tricks, learning some basic sleight such as fake shuffles, double lift, classical and invisible pass, Erdnase color change, snap change, and recently spin change. That's all, nothing fancy, nor am I anywhere near good.

I don't know, I just feel like if only I started taking up these hobbies few years earlier, it would have been much better. Its a shame I'm 22 going 23 this year, and all this basic card sleight was learn from online tutorial videos made by a 19 year old guy. Oh well.

But now I don't really spend my day on all those stuff, not the entire day anyway. I don't know what to feel about this, or about anything.

Depression really "put a spanner in the works".

My Imagination

Sometimes I think the problem with me is I'm unable to hide this idiotic and retarded side of me. Tough days like this really screw me inside out, and I should have tried keeping everything inside of me.

I don't want to be strong, I don't want to be egoistic, I don't want to run away from any hurting, because if doing all of that means that a person will only isolates himself, its not worth being a strong person.

But what I'm equally weak at is hiding all this turmoiling emotions away. I can't help but to wonder how it would be, at I been a normal guy for a bit. 22 and still acting like a retarded kid, imagine that.

Now looking at where I am, it really made me wish I could just go back and do it all over again. I don't know if I could change anything, but even if I can't, just being able to live through it all over again would be good.

I really miss those days...

PS:
Image: Blink 182's promo cover. Lyrics are from a song by Miley Cyrus of the same title.
And thanks to a Y!A user, came across this advise of keeping a journal, helps ease things up. Posting all this stuff here and I'll see how it goes for me.

I would wish upon a star
But that star it doesn't shine
So read my book with a boring ending
A short story of a lonely guy
Who fell behind

Keep Wondering Why

Its been awhile since I posted anything here, I wonder why I'm here now.

I was just trying my best not to repeat the same old mistake of wearing my heart on my sleeve, coming with heart in hands, only to make a complete fool out of myself. It was really a bad habit, I mean look at where I am now. I've completely isolated myself. I mean, ranting is really that bad.

All the time there sure to be something that will remind me of how insignificant I am, or rather, how insignificant I've become. There's really no one to be blame but myself. Then again, I think I've gone through this like a thousand times now. There's no point talking about it again and again here.

I've always wanted to have a place to let everything one, somewhere, thinking maybe it helps. The desire never change, and the solution never came as well. I'm one of those who have so much to be let out and yet with no one or nowhere to do so. I might as well just suck it up. I mean, where can I do so without any consequences?

I know I was and am wrong. Its just something that sometimes I can't control, so it may have shown in the words I put some places, or here, and especially here. But while feeling so was wrong, I think everyone needs to sometimes let what they're feeling inside out. Yet I guess I couldn't do that in the right way, or perhaps never really did have the opportunity to so and yet I wants to do so. That's why there's so much repercussion to it, some of it hurts really bad. Some really made me regret it, that I can't undo all those mistake to turn things around for the better.

Ah well, being 22, I wonder if its way too old for me to still act like a retard everyday. Makes everyone hates me. No fun.

I need a tourniquet...