I'm Sorry

I know that I've made many unforgivable mistakes that hurts you, that disappoints you, and push you away. And I think sometimes I don't realize it myself, because if I do I would had prevented it. Maybe my intentions are somewhat lost in my actions that does otherwise.

And then there are these situations that's out of my control, I think I've already mention alot about it here, I am unlucky and somethings that I depends on just malfunction when I needed it most.

I don't wanna defend myself here, I hate it equally alot cause as much as I've hurt you, I hurt myself twice as much, and this is not self-pity, it was just facts.

I wish I could take all the back. If there's something I could say I would read it everyday. But the fact is that I can't and everyday I just try to look for ways to redeem it and more often than never, I hit the dead end. But it's nothing I can complain about, that's the way it is. If mistakes are redeemable, then everyone would had live a life without regrets.

I just hope that you could someday forgive me, even if I never will forgive myself.

"you" are all the people that I've made mistakes upon, those I've cared about, including the one that meant the most to me.

Just some thoughts I needed to get off my mind. I can't fall sleep. It just somehow cross my mind how horrible of a person I have been. I guess the saying is true, that the ones we hurt the most is always the ones we loved the most.

The Only Easy Day Was Yesterday

I don't know what's the deal with Wednesday, but it just seems like everything would go well on that day, and for every other day, it gets screwed again. I think it's scary, though I don't know if its a scary coincidence or its how I misanalysed it. But then again, I don't know what's the deal with me anymore. I think sometimes I forgets who I am. I forgets where I stand, what I am to others. Those are the things I can't control and I guess I tends to forget that too.

I feel so helpless here. Sometimes I'm even so tired of putting everything down here, there are days it doesn't helps me feel better getting all this sordid thoughts out of my mind. I left everything here in hopes of keeping these side of myself away from everyone else, I don't want to push them all away by having them seeing me like this, in such a over analytical yet pathetic state, sometimes may even reflect a mind that suffers damages. Especially not the ones I cared about. But I think somehow I'm just not good at entirely hiding this ugly side of me. Maybe my intentions and feelings got lost somewhere among these calamity and all that was shown to others was this immature, unreasonable, insecure, heartless, self centered kid. Maybe that's how I complicated everything.

It's not that I wanted to be someone I'm not, let alone any negative intentions. It's just sometimes I myself am scared of this side of me, one which I'm trying hard to change too. It's just a part that is heavily affected by my emotions and feelings and I know how dangerous that can get, so I tries to hide it all away.

I don't know, all I knew was that I made mistakes, though I still often tries to identify where I went wrong. I just feels so sorry for all the wrong steps I made that leads everything to where it is now. There's nothing I wouldn't give to go back to when everything seems so perfect, so simple, and elegant.

But now is now. I can't tell for sure how this story of my life is gonna be, if it's gonna be just a short story, a long solitary one or one that's just like anything in life, started off rough but everything eventually turns out well. I can't tell for sure. I don't believe in perfect happy endings. But I do believe in life that we could be content and grateful of. I guess I'll keep trying, do whatever I can and pray hard it'll be just fine, someday.

Summer's Getting Colder

Sometimes, there are just some things that's out of our control. We could only depends on some luck in hopes that it will be ok but that always turns out to be a disappointment for me. I wonders where had all my luck gone to. The interoperability thing (yet again) could be one good example, it's screwed for, well, I don't know how long it has been. It got worse during the weekend.

I don't know. Sometimes I think all I need is just some help from whatever higher beings is out there. I hate to think that I've made a big mistake to deserve this, but it looks like I'm failing to get a grip on myself and everything that I cared about.

Cleaning Out My Closet (A Note Of Hope) [Part 2]

I don’t believe in having wishes come true. I mean how I could believe in magic when every time I’m hoping for a miracle, there never was any abracadabra there. But somehow I still made them when opportunity arises. I guess it’s just my pathetic way of getting all these desire off my chest for a moment, and thus this entry.

I just wanna be thankful for all this significant people once came into my life, even if some of them are no longer in my life now. All of them played a part in making who I am today, I owe them one for that. I guess we all are. It’s just that I don’t think I’ve quite been anything like that to others. Many mistakes we made by me, I was immature, insecure and over analytical. But it doesn't matters anymore as it now all recedes into fond memories and I miss them all, I always will. I hope the best for them.

And then there’s this someone whom had the largest impact in my life, that had always made me wanting to be a better person, though I failed terribly. I don’t think anyone would ever know or believed how a person whom I started to know just merely though online IM (thanks to her sister) would have such an impact on my life later on. I’d never have though of that myself too back then, but it all happened so fast like a flying dream. I don’t think she’ll ever know how she took me out of this black hole I was in at that time, and went on to made the past 2 years of my life some of the best years I’ve ever had, and after gotten to know her in person it just further cement my gratitude of how lucky I was, and I couldn’t had ask for anything more than that. I couldn’t have dreamt of anything more in the last two years. I guess before I knew it, I um… well, it’s something I believe any other guy in my position would have felt too. It’s just that I guess I complicate everything up somehow. I only knew how to develop that feeling, but I didn’t know how to handle it. And my immaturity probably played a part too. But anyway, I just hope she’s doing fine and everything goes well for her, that’s the least I could do for now.

Anyway there was nothing I would like to change about it, neither in the past 2 nor 4 years. It’s been a tragic comedy, a tale of rainbows and rain. There’s a saying that goes to have rainbows, we have to put up with a lot of rain. The only thing I’d change is probably me, for all the things that I should have done. And I hope I could change who I am. Maybe all I need is time, maybe not. Maybe I’m not doing the right way, maybe I’m just a stone head that’s so resistant to self-changes. Whatever it is, I wish I could work it out someday.

With all of that said, finally I wish that everything in my life would be less complicated. This phase of my life is only about 2 years left and 2 years is a short time, and I just hope that I could work out everything eventually, and that everything is going to be alright. I think that pretty much translates to needing better luck in the future. It's gonna be hard to sail against the rough waves when the wind's blowing anywhere but the right direction, isn't it?

-13th July 2008

That should pretty much sums up the day. It sure felt better getting it off my chest. Another 365 days left to fix my life. I mean, to try work out as many things as possible before the next check point here I get 1 year older, one year more mature (I hope) and 1 year closer to my grave, heh.

I'm Not Old. Just Older [Part 1]

I’m so jaded I feels like a hundred years old and yet I don’t feel like I’ve really grown up all that much. At least, it doesn’t goes hand in hand with my biological age. It’s strange how I don’t feel like I was the same guy who left high school going into university life, yet I don’t feel like I’ve changed all that much either.

But coming into university was a big turning point of my life, it’s like there’s a well define region, and it’s been 4 years since it could be describe with so many words I don’t know where to start either. I’ve met people who are important in my life, a couple of them played a bit part in who I am today, that without all of them I think I’ll still be this little naïve, know nothing, vulnerable kid I was prior to coming into this life. The past 3 years wasn’t exactly an evening ride down the yellow brick road, but I think through it all I’ve learned a lot.

Mistakes made and harsh lessons learned. I’ve learned how a person’s egoism, pride and anger could be the ultimate catalyst in bringing something down to pieces, and at the end of the day we ask our self what its worth now that we lose everything. Can’t say I succeeded but at least I’ve always reminds myself to not let that cripple me. I’ve also learned that we all makes mistakes, regrets are a part of life and it’s not about not having regrets, but to deal and live with it. But it does seem that many things in life are a lifelong learning process. It’s like as we grow older, the world around us changes and we have to keep up with these changes, and that’s where I often fall out of line.

The reason to all of this is because stepping into university life was a huge changing point of my life after like 6 to 10 years of growing up. In this new phase of growing up, the one thing I’ve never manage to get it right was my social aspect. I sort of carried the same way I’ve always did from high school into this new phase and I though it’d work out too but it never did. And even now that I’ve sort of realize this entire “social requirement” I’ve never quite able to live up to it or to change myself to blend into it. So I guess this was one of my biggest weakness that somewhat distance everyone else away from me. Maybe this is the cause, it’s hard to tell sometimes. But I guess I’m doing fine though. It’s not OK but I’m fine.

I can’t swear if that’s exactly what happened. But at least that’s how it feels like.

-Last edited 13th July 2008

3rd week ended and I'm packed with assignment stuff. I think the worst of all was the group ones, with the leader pushing to finish the project as soon as possible, just because he's got another assignment due about that week too. Well, guess what, I have 2 other subject with 2 different assignment each, and I don't push anyone either simply because its a group assignment, it's a responsible for me and others too to manage our own time, and not make everything about myself, I have this I have that, I and more I. But the heck with it, I'm at fault too, for teaming up with someone I don't know all that well.

I thought that this assignment would be fun, editing videos, creating websites, at least I could learn them, and the best of all, editing graphic to create banner using Photoshop CS2. But now here I am having to roll through with my group to finish it ASAP instead of trying our best to create a good project result.

Um, besides ranting about that, I guess there's nothing to pen down here. My life isn't exactly action packed. 3 subjects this semester but it's turning out to be a very heavily loaded one, though I still sometimes finds myself having alot of time in hand. Sometimes I just can't help but to compare today with yesterday, I mean, reminiscence of say, last semester. I know its pretty pointless comparing like this, it's not gonna change anything today and it'll only make the present seems more miserable and pathetic, still I can't help it sometimes. I guess I just miss those times, not just last semester, but way back to a year before, and even further, as far as I can remember. It certainly felt like a very long time already, yet it all still felt like it was only yesterday.

Missing the past, missing a person, that's how I spent my week. Is it wrong to do so? I don't know and frankly I don't care. I'd rather be honest than to deny it and lie to myself. I think it's OK though, because they really meant that much to me, and reminiscence does not equates to being disillusioned. Though it kills sometimes. Maybe that's why I'm such a complicated person, which in turn makes me leads such a trash life. I've sometimes wonder, how it'd be if I was more like a normal person.

.. -- .. ... ... -.-- --- ..-

Tonight
Could I be lost forever
To drown myself in memories
Could I be lost forever
Could I pretend that I could fly

Tonight
The stars are all out of reach
Could I just lay here tonight
To watch them shimmer but never fades
Could I take comfort in knowing that
They're up there shining down on you

Tonight
I'll close my eye and make a wish
I'll fall asleep in hopes of dreaming
In reminiscence of rain and shine
And I'll see you there
Even if it's just for awhile
Before another day begins

I Miss You

Passing Days

I'm a little bored right now (and thats pretty much what my weekend has been and will be) so thought I'd just drop one here.

I don't know how to describe the week that has been. Um, I'm lost of words I guess. Mistakes made and probably a slip of steps or two, and probably my immaturities rears is ugly head again. At least to say, it certainly didn't ended in a positive note. Luck wasn't with me too, I guess.

And um, lecturers changing lecture hours at their will is getting out of hands. Latest casualty was a morning one being shifted to night time, and yeah there were few students having problems having it clashing with other night extra classes such as language and CISCO stuff, but the lecturer still insist on doing the class at night. To be honest, I'd rather drag my ass to a morning class than attending one at night.

I still wish lecturers are not allowed to do so at their will. I mean, the one that causes me to have to drop one subject and re-registered on a different group for that one. It's unfair, it's ridiculous its not even funny. But ah, what can I do.