Familiar Landscape

Its somewhat a familiar feeling, with me at the corner of a large lecture hall, occasionally watching from afar. It felt just like yesterday, one that I really miss. Didn't I use to do that so often in the past? Maybe I was this person who could only do that much, just "cloak" myself in the wrong corner of the class and watch from afar.

But still, what I wouldn't give to go back to those days. I don't think words can express what all those things meant to me. Every little thing that may appears to be insignificant to others.

Sometimes I see things in my own way, and thats probably a problem with me, though honestly, till this moment I always wondered where did I go wrong, again and again. I just always wanted to make things better, and each time when it seems like so, I just somehow capable of unconsciously mess things up, and I don't know how to prevent that.

Ah well, enough of that.

Anyway I'm glad today, even if it was just a few glimpse, in a room full of people. Afterall, I'm just another face in that crowd.

And it just make me wish I could turn back time, go back and, even if I can't change anything, there's nothing I wouldn't give to live through it all again.

If only I could turn back time
If only I could say what I still hide
If only I could...

More Shooting Myself In The Foot

I wish I had more luck
I wish I had more brain cells too

An idiot who's luck is so rotten that the worse thing always goes wrong at the wrong time will only bring complications to himself

And boy did I play the part of that idiot so well.

I really wished I could stop doing more damage but when bad luck hits home, its something I have no control over no matter how much I wish I could

Though what I could do was stop acting like an idiot in reacting to a situation. My life should have had a preview or rewind button.

Synthesized Hopes and Fears

From time to time, I've always had dreams that were composed in such a way that it's too good to be true. But there were also those that were of something that once was possible somewhere in the past. They are somewhat grounded to a past reality. But ultimately, I believe they were all made out of current subconscious hopes and desires.

I think that's why my mind made up those dreams. It's probably the closest thing it could now get to something that was once real.

And it usually sucks when you wake up only to find its all just a dream. Yet, realizing that some things could only be possible in a dream for some.

Unopened Letter

I'm sorry for all the mistake I've made, even though often I never knew where I went wrong, I really am, cause if did knew, I'd probably not make them in the first place. Details are vague, but I think what I do know is that throughout the years, I've been very immature. I knew I was immature, I just didn't know what it would have ultimately lead to, much lesser the consequences.

Now I just wish I could undo all that mistakes, as much as I know that's not possible in this time and place. I really wish I can undo them all, cause I miss every good thing that was before my hormonal suicide tendencies got the better of me that completely turned me into an idiot. I guess that's what crime and punishment is all about. That's what differentiate between the good ones and the ones like me.

This week reminded me of what I really missed, those EngSociety assingment thing which was last sem and yet it felt like yesterday. Wish I didn't had to woke up from those dreams.

Maybe all I feel right now is regrets. Or perhaps it was the feeling of hopeless, not being able to do anything to fix anything. But I think, ultimately, I just feel unfortunate that this words will just resides here, on a hard disk residing somewhere at the other side of the planet.

I know I can't but, this is just one of the many unopened letter I wish I could say to you, TLF...

Overdose Delusions

Sometimes I wish life came with an instruction manual. One that tells how to be the perfect person everyone likes. Cause its really hard for me to get anything right these days. No matter how I tries, I just can't make things right.

And when they seems right, it always goes bad again, and I don't know whats going on. I really wish I could say sorry cause I really am, and although I don't know what went wrong again and again, I felt like its all my fault, that's how it feels like on this end. And I really wants to be perfect, I want to be normal like everyone that these people don't hate or despise. I just don't know how.

That's what I've always been I guess. The village idiot who don't know about anything, with the stupid idea of how a men should be which only make him a retarded kid and it all backfires on me. Yep, that's me. There are many more idiotic attribute to me but I don't feel like sharing em here right now.

All I really want is NOT to be me. Its a very lonely thing to be.

A fact I cannot deny

Take Me Away

I just wanna hit myself hard in the face
Even if I don't wake up from my hallucination, at least I'll send myself into oblivion.

I think I have an uncanny ability to make people sick of me. Ah, how gifted is that.