Polaris

"I'll wake up tomorrow and I'll start
Tonight it feels so hard
...
Am I only dreaming?"

I hardly notice the weeks went by, its been 6 weeks into the semester now, and nothing productive have I've done. I'm going downhill, deteriorating, and I should seriously consider running away and joining the circus troop.

Its like, the motivations are fading off, some days I just wish I could skip classes, and I don't even want to get started on my FYP, its been nothing but a nightmare. One that I'm failing.

I really never knew that everything would be this way this semester, and this tough to deal with. I mean, it was way too soon, at least.

Its not like I expect things to say the same the way it was in the past forever, everything have to either move forward or comes crashing down. But I guess... well, then why I still I could wake up and find myself back or 3 years ago... Maybe I just wish I had more time, that I still had the chance I use to have back then, I really, really miss that. And I miss her too, and I don't know how to deal with that and everything.

Its funny how, last semester just seemed like yesterday, EngSociety assignment seems like yesterday, Data Comm extra class just seems like yesterday, Electronics 3 lectures just seems like yesterday, in fact the best 3-4 years of my life felt like just yesterday, and today I woke up finding myself in a different world that I wish I could disappear from.

Its really weird, and in many ways, sad, how my life can just turn around like that.



"I think this song is the type that talks about looking into the sky, at polaris perhaps, knowing that whomever you care for could be looking at it the same time you are, and that it's kind of their sanity in a time of need. Like in the lyric, "In your darkest time, it's just enough to know it's there." -Synapse2Synapse

Crime and Punishment

I seems to recall once upon a time ago, I told myself that there are many things, or thoughts in me that should just stay in me. I guess that promise got lost somewhere in the way.

The thing is, I sometimes don't even know what I'm doing. All I know is that I'm making a hobby out of embarrassing myself and making things worse for myself, doing things or saying stuff that backfires on me.

All that I can do right now is to keep replaying those times in the past 2 years or so and think about how I reacted which made me realize how damaging they were, and back then, everything was so much more better, I just never realized it. Now that I could compare the past to the present, it just pales in comparison to where I am now. The least I could do was just to kept all my thoughts here in this blog if I had too, but I let a lot of them spills out time and time again.

I don't think I can ever find the words to describe how sorry I am, nor will I ever had the opportunity to make that know. At the end of the day, everything I wish I could say could only stay here, and everything I should have hide away just somehow escapes here.

I could probably write an encyclopedia out of all my twisted thoughts that had ever came out of my entangled mind, but I guess it all boils down to one very simple thing, which was the feelings I developed, that I had for... I just blew everything out of proportion, I was insecure, I second guessed, and... And I guess I just wish I knew then what I knew after wards, I would have not let my emotions complicate everything up.

There's so much I need to fix in myself, I just don't know what to do now.

And the funny thing is that I keep making the same mistakes and the tattooed onto myself the same regrets over and over again.

Hurricane

First mid term exam for java came and gone, and that's probably a preview of how things are going to be very tough for me this semester.

In some ways I regretted taking this java subject which I didn't need, I thought I really had the extra time and now I realize I don't. I can't find the time nor courage to focus on everything at once, and its pretty screwed up now.

I wonder how did I get here...

23

Well, here I am, one year older, but never really got that far in terms of maturity.

It's been a really strange year for me, many mistakes were made, all of which I wished I could take them back, but, I guess while I've never had any intentions to have how the way everything went down, sometimes the reason why I did what I did, all the times I've tried, all the times I acted on my insecurities, and whatever stupid things I've did, I just didn't want to live not knowing what it would have been.

There are many times I wish I could turn back time, to when it all begin and perhaps I could have did what I never do, and things would have been different, but I guess that's all the things that I'll never know.

Ultimately, to sum it all up, there was no manual or guidebook for being 22 or 21. No one is handing out road maps for the road less traveled, I just have to get on and drive without any directions. The word normal doesn't applies to me or my life, and that's that. I just have to steer to wherever my guts tells me to, and I'm going to make mistakes after mistakes over and over again.

This is silly, but I felt the need to pen this down here, that to everyone out there in the world who's having their birthday on this day, I would like to wish them all a very happy birthday and tell them that it's going to be ok. Even though if it doesn't goes the way you expected it to be, certain things that you wish or hope had took place but it never does, its ok. Because we all tend to hope for something more than what we could get. And its ok to be disappointed, that's what makes us real. But at the end, we'll only remember the fond ones and that disappointment will be buried in time.

In the mean time, know that you are not the only one going through this. Someone out there is going through the same thing too, and I guess the thought of that somehow makes it a little more bearable

As what I've just learned from an online message board run by Yahoo.

High Anxiety

Sometimes I wonder if there's anyone out there who's facing the same issues as I do, having the same fear, with a truck load of insecurities and all while trying to remotely half-bag that elusive entity we called life. I guess this happens when it all just gets so tough and strange and complicated.

I mean, I do realize I'm strange, emotionally retarded, and insecure. I made a lot of mistakes that are repeated over and over again, and I'm sorry everyday. I guess I showed what was never my intentions, to piss people of, be an annoying person and the guy everyone love to hate.

How do I handle this. I wish I know just how to deal with this, how to stop pushing the people who're important away from me. It's not something new, but its something I never seems to be able to find a solution to it.

I don't know how to fix this. Does anyone ever wish they could rewind their life? I don't know how to fix my life right now, sometimes I just want to go back, start over.

I guess everyday I sort of live a part of me in the past. I miss those times...