Random crapping

Yesterday evening was very tiring, coupled with the hot weather, i was damn sleepy tht evening. And so my evening nap turned to a deep sleep. and guess what. I had another one of those too-good-be-true dreams. I hate this.

It just makes me feel that I'd trade anything to have such a moment in real life. 1 million meso, anyone?

Meet You There

Artist: Busted

I'm waiting
For the perfect time to call you back
Cos I remember saying
Don't wanna know the truth
Can't handle that

And I tried to
Just forget you
But I don't know how
If only I knew

It's written all over your face
It's such a painful thing to waste
Tell me now,
Where do we go?
Now the future's not so clear
I can't believe we've ended here
Where's the world that doesn't care?
Maybe I could meet you there


I'm sorry
If I slagged you down
I meant no harm
But when I heard the stories
I said things I didn't mean
Should have stayed calm

But sadly
You got angry
And it breaks my heart
You're so mad at me

It's written all over your face
It's such a painful thing to waste
Tell me now,
Where do we go?
Now the future's not so clear
I can't believe we've ended here
Where's the world that doesn't care?
Maybe I could meet you there

(I'm sorry)
It's written all over your face
It's such a painful thing to waste
Tell me now,
Where do we go?
(I'm sorry)
Now the future's not so clear
I can't believe we've ended here
Where's the world that doesn't care?
Maybe I could meet you there

You're perfect the way you are

Everyone, without exception, has once had something go wrong. We all at times, feel like we are nothing. The world can be huge at times and like it and everyone else forgot all about us. There are times when we feel hate or have been hated. Like we aren’t good enough for someone. Worried that we shouldn’t try something new. All have are own stories, experiences, memorie, and the truth is, pain is temporary; but the experiences are forever.

We aren’t always right. If any of us were, well, things would be much different in life. Failure is always there. Its not there so we will quit; but its there so we will keep trying. We would have no idea on how to try anything if we didn't know what not to do. Don’t make yourself think you will always fail because that would never be true. If you even thought that, you would just add another thing to what is wrong which is what we all wouldn’t want in the first place! Imagine that. The fear of failing is always there too. Never listen to it unless you actually want end up loosing.

When you're feeling down, don’t give up. You’ll never know what tomorrow will be like if you don’t try and you give up! Sure there are times when things go wrong. If they do, its not like they always will. Have the courage to prove yourself wrong by keeping yourself going and trying. Only then will you see that you can go on.

There always is something more to find. We never know until we search for it.
The times when we are down, remember that it’s not your fault!!! Don’t blame yourself for things!!!!! Taking responsibility is one thing but blame is another. Most of the time, there isn’t need to blame anyone at all! You can get into the habit of thinking that everything that happens is because of yourself. That you made it wrong. That you are awful. No! You aren’t!!!!!!! Remember that.

The weight of the world on your shoulders can crush anyone. But if you think that no one cares for you; that everyone hates you, you're wrong. People DO care. Everywhere you are, there is someone who cares. It doesn’t matter who you are. People do care! And they always will. No matter what.

Also, you’ll never know until you try. There are good times. Not only the bad. Things CAN be great if you make them to be. Last of all, with hate, love, joy, sorrow, anger alike, you are how you are, and that’s perfect and always will be. Everyone is perfect and just remember that. There is nothing better than you.

I've found that article at some online message board. It provides a very good read after a bad day. But well, reading is one thing. I'm not sure if i can actually change my thinking into such a positive way, though I hope i do. Well, I guess the most important thing is that I should stop hating myself for being imperfect and start looking on the better side of me and be glad of it....hmm, lets see if i can actually find a better side of me.

It's just all about time.

Recently when I looked at my academic timetable, I realize that I was approaching half semester already. I was kinda surprise by it, given how fast time passes. In fact when I told my friend about it last week, he was surprise too. I could swear I still can’t remember the details of my daily timetable and all my classes venue. I could swear I still can’t address my lecturer by his name. And here we are, half way through the semester.

Anyway, that’s almost 8 weeks since the sem started. Yes, it’s been 2 months, and I guess that, well, lots of things changes in such a long span of time. Perhaps, people changes, things changes as time passes. It’s all about adapting to changes, which is something that perhaps I can’t comprehend yet.

Well, this means the break is just around the corner. I hope this time I’ll be able to do some serious revision, as there won’t be any class for a week, No more excuse of being tired whatsoever.

I guess that’s all for now. Just hope that the second half if this sem will bring some better times. I desperately need it. I can’t go on with all this things bugging in my mind. I’ve screwed up my finals badly once, and I swear it was hell. I never want to go through that shit again this time.

The best medicine of life

It was said that laughter is the best medicine. Well, often this is kinda true. Yes, often but not always. There are certain pains that laughter can’t cure, simply because well, I can’t laugh in the first place under such situation. When I can’t provoke the medicine, then heck nothing will cure me then. Oh, yes. This will be about myself of course, it’s not like I went to do a survey to see how effective laughter is on others.

Well, lately I’ve come to realize that I had the better medicine with me all this while. That is electronics entertainment or better known as computer games. And lately, it’s been an online game, which is MMORPG (Massively-played Multiplayer Online Role Play Game) that has been my best medicine. This is basically the only thing I can do when I’m down. When I plays any games, it just takes away all my attention, thus for a moment, I forgets all my misery, all my heartache goes away for a moment. Well, its just basically keeping me occupied. That’s all.

Why online games? Well, it enables me to interact with players from far away, or in other words, with real humans.

Enough crapping

Gaming has its own negative effects to of course. It does affect my studies, though to what extend I can’t tell, as I’m lazy anyway. But basically, it’s all that I have when I’m down. It’s just not my type to go talk it out with my friends, or go to the bar downtown and drink away all my misery (I don’t drink as a matter of fact.) or resorting to anything that’s worst.

But then, one of it’s biggest setback is that it’s only a temporary medicine. I can’t be gaming 24/7.

Which is why I mention earlier that gaming is a better medicine, but it ain’t the best solution. The best medicine will always be time. Only time can heals everything.

But gaming is something I’ll always turn to whenever I need something to ease the pain that’s seems to be a part of me these days.

>.<

I sometimes wish that I have a crystal ball that can tells me what'll happens in the future, or at the least the consequence of my action/decisions.

Why? Coz i somehow just feel that i have many regrets in my life, one too many. And each time this shit happens, I just thought to myself, if only i knew it would be this way. If only i knew.....yeah, if only.

So, all of this somehow made me think more and more each time i'm making an important decision or action. Regrets have becomes a phobia to me. Each and every steps i take, i'm so worried that it'll be a mistake. I guess i did it a little too much, that it begins to change me, for the worst unfrotunetly. Sometimes, i might becomes to conservative, to over protective, that i became like a cold person, while in actual fact, i didn't meant to be cold at all.

Oh well, i guess that's life. We'll never know it's mistake till we made it. Till we loose something we treasured so much. Anyway, the only crystal ball that i can use is my brains. Learn from my pass mistake and prevent making the same mistake next time around.

My crystal ball is telling me that i should stop here and get some sleep, else I'll be starting to crap here and by the next morning, my face will look like a panda bear, literally.

Who Am I?

If anyone ever ask me what kind of guy I am, my answer will always be "it's up to you to judge me". Well, sometimes I don't even know myself. Day by day, I'm still learning about myself, discovering more and more about myself.

I recall back in my primary school days, where i learned in this science subject, about this kind of experiment, called black box experiment. To simplify the idea, it's like we're given a box containing a object, and we're suppose to study the characteristic of the object without opening the box. Stuff than can be studied are such as it's weight and how it bounce off the box's wall and so on. The idea here is to study about something without directly studying that thing itself. Rather to see all the consequece it as on a set of test being put to it. To see it's effect of it.

Well, discovering about myself is just similer to that idea. I don't know all facts about me, my attitude, or sometimes what I actually wants. It's not like i have a mnaual describing all my features and characteristic.

So, the only way i'm learning about myself is through what's happening around me that's related to me, be it a cause or consequence of my actions, observing how i deal with the people around me, or how they deal with me, and the list goes on.

So how do I find myself?
I hate to be a perfectionist, but i just can't help but to feel that I'm badly flawed. There's just so much room to improve i guess. One thing is that I'm oftent lack of confidence, especially when it comes to important task. And sometimes I might be overprotective, over-controled each and every step I do, so afraid that I might make another mistake, and as a consequence, it back fires on me.

But one of my biggest weakness is that I oftent can't see the bad consequence of my actions. I oftent think that it's ok to try and that the worst that could happens ain't that bad afterall. Only to find out later on that I've screwed up badly, and what's broken can't be fixed again.

Anyway, well I guess this is growing up. We fall, we hit the ground, pick ouself up again and we learn. What that doesn't kills me only makes me stronger.

Once the dust has settled, pick up all the hopes that's left it there's any. If there aren't any chance left, I had to just accept it. I'll cherish all the good times we've had and learn from the bad ones.

My blog thus far.

Today, when i look back to the first post that i've posted up here, i realize it was dated October 24 of 2004. I was like wow, that's about 10 months ago. It's almost a year I've been doing this, and heck, when i just started, i never thought of if I'd continue blogging after 6 months. This is somewhat amazing for a person like me who oftent get's bored doing the same thing over and over again. Though i must admit that i'm not a real blogger, as I don't update my blog as frequent as i should, and many post here are pretty lame anyway.

But well, I guess the fact there from time to time, there's someone who drop by my blogs let me knows that i'm not always talking to myself all the time. And that fact keeps me blogging till now. I really appreciate those who had drop by to perhaps read a couple of post or so. So, thanks to those who drop by here and/or leave a comment.

Anyway, i realize my post has change alot through out time, as back then was just simple posting about stuff. Now, my post are all so twisted and sometimes absurd. Well, I guess my life did really change since one year ago. But it does goes to show how a twisted person i am on the inside. Oh well, I guess this is growing up.

Anyway, I guess i'll continue to keep this blog up no matter how rare i'll post or how much dust had covered it. Just hope i can find the time to post more oftent.

again, thanks to those who had been here before.

Amityville

It's been sometime since I've watch any horror movies. Anyway I did it today, and well, admitably, it was kinda scary, mostly due to the sudden frightens. Other than that, well, it's normal for any horror movies to just contains simple plots and a fairly predictable ending.

But what caught my attentions was the fact that it was base on a true story. It's kinda rare, as far as I know, that any horror are base on true story, for the apparent reason of course. So, well, naturally I'll go search the web for more info on the true story, turns out there was already a book on that and some article about the story being a false one.

Anyway, what's real is the fact that there was a murder there in 1974 of the DeFeos Family. It was committed by Ronald DeFeo who slain his whole family in one night with a rifle. He claimed that he was being possed by evil spirit (details are shown in the movies). He was, of course being found guilty of first degree murder trying to cash in on his parents life's insurance.

But the interesting thing starts when the Lutz family moves in, and claimed there that the house was haunted and they was driven out of it after 28 days (the flim centers around this them when the Lutz was staying there). The claim was later dismiss by a parapsychologist Dr. Kaplan, but of course as always, there are those who choose to belive the unbelieveable. But those were years ago during the '70s. The new owner who stayed there after that complains of nothing other than being haunted by curiosity-seeker peoples.

Anyway, it was a nice show. Now it's time to sleep. Yes, in hopes of sweet dreams though, since i had my share of nightmare for the day.

Bumping this site

Wow, it's been sometime since i've had anything posted up here. Well, not that I don't have the time, but my mind is just simply dry of anything. Sometimes the thoughs comes endlessly that I dunno what to choose to post up here, but when my mind goes straight again and i have second thoughs about it, well, it all just fades away. I had to simply dismiss it as usless stuff, of stuff that i cannot post up here, it'll just make this site looks ugly anyway. And I'll oftent end up empty handed. Duh.

Well, perhaps my mind doesn't have enough capacity to think right now anyway. there's just too much i have to deal with. Among those was one of the thoughest academic related decision i had to make. Now i just hope to get it all settled by the end of next week. and with the assignments creeping up, i cant just sit back and do nothing. But is time on my side?

Anyway, tomorrow night i might be going for a movie with my friends. Well, hope that will give me a break from all the fuss of life. =D

The Ghost Of You

Summer's ended and without a trace
Time goes by while you remains
Funny how I thougt I walked on through
With my heart in one

Why do I still cry for you
Dying to get close to you
Why do I still fear to face
The ghost of you

How I tried to get you off my mind
But you return all the time
I believed I could just let you go
Like the fool I am

Why do I still cry for you
Dying to get close to you
Oh baby why do I still fear to face
The ghost of you

I've been trying to release you
To get my feet back on the ground
Still I need my hope to hold on to
Even if I know I should back away
It's just a part of me that I can't erase

Why do I still cry for you
Dying to get close to you
Why do I still fear to face
The ghost of you

Why
Anyway I try I'm still reminded... The ghost of you
Anywhere I go I keep colliding with... The ghost of you
I've given up I just can't find it... The ghost of you

Everytime I look away I see
The ghost of you


Artist: Michael Learns To Rock Lyrics
Song: The Ghost Of You Lyrics