Time

Time passes so fast
And it changes everything and everyone
Everyone but me

I never wanted to change, because changes always takes all the good things away from me. I mean, look at where am I now, and what do I have?

Sometimes I wish we could turn back time. Even if we can't change anything, it would be nice just to re-live those moments again.

Oh well, there's nothing I can do about that. I don't even know what I can do anymore.

Time, why you punish me?
Like a wave bashing into the shore
You wash away my dreams.
Time, why you walk away?
Like a friend with somewhere to go
You left me crying
Can you teach me about tomorrow
And all the pain and sorrow
Running free?
Cause tomorrow's just another day
And I don't believe in time
- Time, Hootie and the Blowfish

I Wants To Be Like Everyone...

That was a question I stumbled upon at Y!A a moment ago. To sum things up, she just wanted to be liked by others, she gets sad when others doesn't acknowledge her presence, she can't be confident among people who are, by society's definition, better off then she is, and she finds it hard to talk to others.

I think it's a little too extreme, but she's not the only one, that's for sure. Many faces this problem, heck even I do. I think that's my whole point here. She reminds me of myself.

Though I think I has been more specific and honest to myself. I don't want to be like everyone. I just wanted to be the right one, the person who's at the right place to do the right thing, and I guess that was something I never was. It's sort of like, a person wants to be in a certain social circle. Or a person who wish he was in a position that he could be close, but he's not, and all that he could do is so try his best to reach out, and it sure is tough.

Anyway I don't know who gave her the best answer, I just read through everything, and I guess many of them do have their own valid point.

But there was one guy who commeted:
Me too, we all have need to belong somewhere.

Looking Back Thus Far

My last short 2nd trimester in my university here, and I guess everything started with me supposed to do field training but I opted not to, I mean I don't really have the credit hours to do so anyway. And so my dysfunctional semester.

First, curricular subject. My planning was totally way off. I planned blindly, I didn't even know what to expect from a language subject, let alone the fact that I couldn't register for it, at least not before it's filled up anyway. Then, thankfully, she informed me about all the registering not for my faculty thing all, and also about how her friends requested for a new slot or something like that, which didn't succeed though. That really clears up all this thing about this curricular subjects that I didn't know about, and I'll be repeating this all over again, taking another one some time in a future in a semester that once again, is not for me.

I mean boy look at me, I wanted to do something I didn't even know a single jack about. That's why it all got screwed up. At the end of the day, I decided French was too tough for me. I'm a coward, I back off and now just waiting to take something else that's easier. But what can I do anyway, I'm just not good enough for language, I can't even follows the first class after attending it.

And then there's the obvious. Computer architecture. I unnecessarily took this subj again. And actually begins to suck now. I don't really think I had much choice here either, but to think that I have to do lab sessions and exams all over again unnecessarily, it's just sick and twisted. Not to mention the money wasted.

I think everything about me is dysfunctional right now. I mean, I keep trying to watch my steps, can't be perfect but it would be nice if I could actually minimize all my idiotic mistakes.

Never thought it'd come to this.

Ah well, anyway just ranting. Felt like needed to get this off my chest. Tough times.

2 Weeks On...

So, what I've learned here? Firstly, it was a bad decision to take a subject that I didn't need to take again. Secondly, I misunderstood, misinterpret and misjudge my curricular subjects. I feel like an idiot now.

I don't know what I was thinking when I planned all this subjects. Was I so silly as to expect a miracle to happened? I don't know. But what I do know is that language subject turns out NOT to be the easy way out of this stupid curricular subject I needed to clear. I don't know why I even plan to take any this semester.

Whatever, now I'm not taking French or anything in the end. And I can't do that either next semester. Furthermore, I can't take any language subject without actually failing it, so as much as I wanted to, language has not forced itself out of my options. So, I'll just settle for a useless subject somewhere in the future. What a shame now its horrendously delayed.

Should have known better than trying to be a hero taking language subject.

Now I'm a dumb ass repeating a subject that puts me into lots of unnecessary exams and lab.

Just a Hypothetical Though...

I'm not sure what can be attribute to things or circumstances that is out of ones control. Me, I always put it to luck, I mean things that is really out of my control, yet sometimes we depends on it to be ok.

But whatever it is, it's feels like something that's just out to get me, to make me miserable, whatever.

I'm just hypothetically speaking here, nothing in particular. Sometimes we're caught in a situation where we tries to make something better, as in improving it, maybe say, your relationship (friendship, or whatever) with someone, and we also have to tries to keep it that way. We did what we could, withing certain limits obviously, and then suddenly came a misfortune that is out of our control, provoking a situation that causes negative effects, such as a misunderstanding, or misinterpretation, or just something that gives that someone the wrong idea. And bam! everything gets screwed up. An example scenario. It's like building a sand castle with all your effort you could possibly could, and the wave just came along and wash it off.

So what then do we put this down to? Fate? Luck? Punishment from a higher beings? Or just mere coincidence? Whatever it is, it certainly sucks, sick and twisted, and I don't think this is something anyone can understand unless that person is actually in this situation, on the losing end of things.

If it's luck, I think a string of bad lucks, just targeting on one thing that mattered the most to us, that's fragile, and yet it keeps hitting on that, I have to say that's a miracle, although a twisted one.

I guess another way of looking at it, is that it seems like some sort of punishment, whatever crime I did that deserve this. It's crazy, but you have this feeling of something out there is out to get you, well, whatever.

Some people may put it down to fate. A person, fated to live a miserable life.

Ah well. I don't know why I'm ranting all this out. But I guess I don't need a reason anyway. As I've mentioned above, this is something no one will understands. It'll just make me like a moron, blaming stuff like luck and fate. Not unless they know the details. But I know it's something that will always makes my life tough no matter what I do.

I hope someday it'll change, that I'll be spared of all this punishment, or whatever that's going on.

For now, I know it's real, as the pain is keeping it honest. Nothing like a real pain like this to reminds me this is my real life.

What does one call a luck that doesn't switch to "good" when you need it most, and it almost always go to "bad" when it mattered the most, causing bad collateral damage?

Yeah, I thought so too...

Probably it's because it doesn't happens to anyone else, so no one have a name for it.

I think I'll just call it Hornet's luck. Garry's luck would be good too...

Final Thoughts

Finally I got myself to write this. It's now like, 3rd week of the holidays already.

Last semester was something that was so different from the semester before, I’m not sure what I would like to write about here. I mean, started with the supp exam and all, it wasn’t the best of ways to kick of a new semester. There was also this subject where the lecturer changed the timeslot of the one I registered for, and not only it caused me to have to drop one subject (great work there to the management), I also had to change the lecture group to another one, which clashes with the subject that I drop (as the previous one clash with a core subject that I cannot drop). How tragic.

Ironically, Multimedia Tech was one of the more interesting subjects I guess, with all the assignment and stuff. Making that video for the assignment stuff was one of the best things I could do. Other than that, everything was pretty routine, I just exist everyday. The other two subjects had a good lecturer handling it, pretty lenient and easy going. What’s more, my assignment was totally dependent on my group. Both subject, I owe them to my group leader

I don’t really recall much from this semester anyway, probably because of the reason I’ve stated earlier, nothing much to recall anyway. Ups and down, me being and idiot from time to time, I turned 22, got only a wish (much appreciated) from someone other than my family. Yeah I know it’s just one, but quantity means nothing more than a paper record, and it means a lot to me whatever the quantity may be, heh. Not that I have many friends either, nor that they are aware. Whatever.

So days went on, me once an idiot always an idiot, multimedia assignment got tough, wasted lots of time, me trying to do my best in coming up with the best video I could, in the end we did great I guess. And there was this, Friday I think, where I met her to pass on some CD for this multimedia video editing stuff. Haven’t seen her (as in literally see) for what felt like a very long time. I felt it was good, feelings floodgates.

Ok I admit, I’m lame…

Anyway sometimes I wish I could do something more. I mean, I’m no knight in shining armor but being in this position, won’t anyone would had wanted to be something more too? Someone better than they are, even if it’s just towards that one person while the entire world could see him as a jerk for all he care. This is a department I always fails miserably.

That aside, I‘m grateful for all her helped in the past, since this Electronics 3 subject, those pspice thing as I recall, and for other subjects too, you know those assignment and lab reports (Ah, the memories, wouldn’t trade it for the world). Without it, I’d still probably repeating those subjects with people 2 years my junior, heh. Speaking of which, I think I owe my entire degree to everyone else but me. Besides multimedia, I’ve never been able to do any assignment on my own. Tragical, I know. I mean, I’m clueless about what went on in the assignment for security and database. The only thing I did was created some bogus information to be used in the database. I don’t even know how to perform a ping sweep on an emulated server. All my attempts only results in me doing a scan of my own PC, not the emulated server. My group leader, they guy who seems to be good at everything, I think he saved 4 lives there.

Anyway that’s the round up for this semester. Time just went by so fast, sometimes I wish I could just capture the better moments and stop time.

But that was then. What will next semester bring? I don’t know, but I don’t expect it to be easier. I’m afraid of how it’s gonna be.