Full Moon Rising

If full moon affects a person, then I think it sure did succeed in make me blow a couple of fuse in my head tonight.

Well, ok, I don't know what happened. I'm as clueless as ever. One day, I thought it'd be a good thing to do, you know, when you haven't spoken to a person for some time already, and then you have a chance to do so, you'd just jump on it, isn't it. I mean, yeah, that was half of it, the other was that I guess it'd be a nice thing to do.

It's just that, I though for once I did something right. I just wanted to improve the situation, I guess that's just me. Always wanting to try no matter what the odds are, and yet I don't know what to do. I thought it was ok, I really did for the past few days. And now it seems like nothing is, and it has left me wondering if I mess something up again.

I mean, there has to be a reason right? Well...

...
I don't know what I'm talking about now
...
...

This is the only place where I can wears my hearts on my sleeve when I don't need the world to know, so there's no better place to admit it than at here, that the truth is, the complicated part of me is, the fact of it is...

I miss her alot, I really do. And I don't know what to do about it. I mean it's true I had a great time last semester, during the breaks too (yeah I admit that), and boy did I miss those times, yeah but most of all, I just miss her so. Should I feel this way or not, I don't know but she was the only thing that makes sense to me and even if I could stop myself from feeling this way, I'm not sure I would. Now I fell so helpless, hopeless, lost, and I only have myself to blame, and I guess I accept that.

I should really go get some sleep now. Maybe I am crazy now, even this post is crazy (definitely is), maybe yeah, full moon rising. But my mistakes, I wish I could blame 'em on the moon too but I can't. You don't have full moon everyday.

When the going gets tough, it can get tougher still.

It's been a boring weekend, I though I'd just pen some stuff here before another week begins.

It's been pretty much a boring weekend, as per usual. I didn't really have the motivation to do anything so I just spend some time on the guitars, learning two new strumming patterns (base picking and slap strum, or whatever they are called), get the tabs for some song and learn them.

I'm still trying to get myself back together, but it's so hard for me to change and I think that's the problem with me. Everything and everyone else changed and I just get stranded in the past.

And luck still hasn't been on my side either. The Y!M-WLM interoperability thing has been a load of crap for the pass couple of weeks, keeps acting screwed up. I don't wanna be a damn freak over this, but I guess I just don't want things to get any more complicated than it already is. I mean, it's not like I want everything in my life to go perfectly well, just look at my academic result, it's such a bitch already. So why can some, few, other things just go right or a little smoother. If they say life can't be perfect all the time, I'd say it shouldn't be a bitch all the time either. There's gotta be a balance somewhere.

Well, that was a little over reacting I know, IM interoperability isn't gonna dig a grave and nail a casket for me, but it gets pretty frustrating sometimes. I even have a Y!A user PM me about it if I had any solution, which I didn't. All Yahoo says is it's a beta feature so we don't give a shit about it. Take it or leave it. At least, that's the synonym of it.

Putting my sordid, pathetic, perpetual, spiral downfall aside, looking on to next week, I'll finally start a subject, at the cost of another, unfortunately. The lecturer doesn't seems to show any further sign of merging both class thus remedying my clashing timetable, and I can't wait forever so I had to choose. So there goes a silent 15 men class, and the worst of all was that last Friday, a trio approach me to be their group member. What this means? I drop the subject and so effectively rejected what may be a golden chance of getting a group among all these juniors (2 year, 3 years even) which also means I just rejected the one and only "lucky circumstances" I had for what could have been the entire semester. The problem here is that, sometimes in a small class, it's easier to find group as everyone needs each other, though I can't deny the person who approached me was a nice guy, not those ego-through-the-roof airheads. If I were to be in a huge class, everyone knows each other, they have their own friends to form a group, they don't need any stranger. I mean, that's the way people are, not blaming anyone. Any given person would want to be with someone they know, not a perfect stranger that I'm playing the part of.

Other than that, I only look forward to more guitar practicing, hopefully the video tutorial of basic licks and chord progression will be completely downloaded by then. Still a noob and always will be, but I really enjoy it. Though it's no secret I've always dream of being a professional guitarist, playing for well known vocalist like Avril Lavigne or the Veronicas, or be in a band like The Ataris, but heck, it's just a dream that is so far away on another planet in another universe. Pretty much like most of my other dreams, heh.

Ah well, enough for now. Any more negativity and this blog will be so burned at the stake by now. Off to endure another week. Early class tomorrow. Dead sleepy.

Decision

This week's coming to an end, and to be honest I wasn't looking forward to it actually. I don't know how to describe it and I don't think I wants to either. Missing so many crucial first class and I'm at lost on if any assignment needs any grouping and stuff like that.

But anyway, now that I have some time to myself, I'd better get things going. It's time to decide on my subjects. I don't really have much of an option here, just one of the lecturer threw in another possibility and told me not to drop one subject and change my group to that slot only because the current slot might change. But I don't know, it's been 1 week and I can't be waiting forever missing classes every week. A part of me wants to pull out of this 15 men class, and then I realize it would be a disaster if I have to take this subject on a third semester, as I have my hands full for this coming third semester (ah, the ever bewildering third semester, at least it once was, somewhere in the past). And then there's this possibility where I may not have a choice.

Anyway, that aside, I hope that I could get a grip of myself too.

On a different note, I went to a briefing today, saw all the faces whom mostly are my peers, age wise. I think I got sane and everyone went crazy.

Let The Music Speak

They say a picture says a thousand words. I say a song says the unspoke-able words





I'm finding my way back to sanity again
Though I don't really know what I'm going to do when I get there
Take a breath and hold on tight
Spin around one more time
And gracefully fall back to the arms of Grace

Cause I am hanging on every word you say and
Even if you don't want to speak tonight that's alright
Alright with me
Cause I want nothing more than to sit outside Heaven's door and listen to you breathing
Is where I want to be, yeah
Where I want to be

I'm looking past the shadows in my mind into the truth and I'm
Trying to identify the voices in my head
God which one's you?
Let me feel one more time what it feels like to feel alive
And break these calluses off of me
One more time

Cause I am hanging on every word you say and
Even if you don't want to speak tonight that's alright
Alright with me
Cause I want nothing more than to sit outside your door and listen to you breathing
Is where I want to be
Yeah

I don't want a thing from you
Bet you're tired of me waiting
For the scraps to fall off your table to the ground
Cause I just want to be here now

Cause I am hanging on every word you say and
Even if you don't want to speak tonight that's alright
Alright with me
Cause I want nothing more than to sit outside Heaven's door and listen to you breathing
Is where I want to be, yeah

Cause I am hanging on every word you say and
Even if you don't want to speak tonight that's alright
Alright with me
Cause I want nothing more than to sit outside Heaven's door and listen to you breathing
Is where I want to be
Yeah
Where I want to be
Where I want to be

I Miss You

... Till The Time Had Run Out

It was a silly thing to do last night, watching the F1 race till about 3 am, and then I couldn't fall asleep despite my head feeling like its having a meltdown until at least 4am. And next I had to drag my ass up early in the morning only to attend a class with 15 people which the lec could have an eye for every student. How sad is that, huh.

My timetable then was a total mess and I was advise to drop that silly subject, only to be stopped by the lecturer who said she has other plans with the lecture slots and the new changes may suit me, or may not happen at all. So what do I do now? Hang in there until its too late to drop a subject without a 100% refund and to add any other subj. That's the price to pay being a scholastically inept student taking subject at the wrong time. Ok, drop the crap but at least being an outcast isn't nice.

What a great way to start the semester. All the self confidence and and some true (finally) happiness all crumbles down and I don't know why or how it happened too. But seriously, bumping into all these friends of mine today was kinda nice, haven't seen them like forever. It was basically the only highlight of the day anyway.

It's kinda scary how this sem is turning out to be. My academic plans all not going the way I wanted it to and I'm at lost on how to do my coming exam. It's screwed anyway, I think.

Bewildering, Mystifying, Perplexing, Confusing

It's funny how the past always seems like a dream on another planet in another galaxy, present is a total turmoil, turbulence and the future seems like standing in a Silent Hill meets Raccoon City town staring down a hurricane super cell heading down my way.

Well, at least I could convince myself next sem couldn't be any worse, though I think it will be.

Had some great times during this otherwise a bore feast holiday, and I am thankful for that. I'll miss that too, heh.

Never Look Back We Say, How Was I To Know I'd Miss You So
-Britney Spears, from a time when she once had some hairs on.

My Reply - The Ataris

The first song by The Ataris that I've was The Saddest Song. This song was written by Kris Roe for his daughter whom he hardly gets to see due to legal issue, and it basically address both issues of his daughter and himself not having his father in his life when he was growing up. But I didn't really know much about this guy or his band until I decided to listen to the entire album, So Long, Astoria. Kris Roe is such a great lyricist his writing are different from most mainstream artist we sees today where their lyric is pretty straight froward and sometimes meaningless.

Anyway his lyrics always has a strong impact. There was this song called My Reply and was written after Kris got a letter from a fan in Australia about her suffering from anorexia and how she thought it'll be a good time for her to wrote a letter to them telling how much she love them. This song was Kris reply to her letter.

Anyway, this song offers a different perspective to the fans, as it can be seen as a song about not giving up on life, just holding on to the tough times and we'll survive it. And I kinda like it more for that reason compare to Good Charlotte's Hold On.

So that's what I do, at tough times like this, I kinda just pass the day listening to this song, and heck I felt like this song is being sung to me, that's how much I can relate to it (except for the "girl" part of course). It's a great song I'm so glad I have it.

I got your letter and the poetry you sent me
Postmarked in December of last year
I really hope you're doing better
All your friends close by your side
One step closer to recovery

I wish there was something I could say
To erase each and every page you've been through
Even though its not my place to save you

I appreciate but can't accept this thank-you note
Thats sealed with your last breath
I won't stand aside and listen to you give up

If you'll just hold on for one more second
Just hold on to what you have
If you'll just hold on, just hold on
If you'll just hold on for one more second
Just hold on to what you have
If you'll just hold on, just hold on

These arms remain stretched out to you
Maybe someday you'll accept them
Or maybe its too late to save a young girls heart that's long stopped beating

Wake up, wake up you've gotta believe
Wake up, wake up you can't give up
Time keeps going on without us
Long after we're dead and gone

I wish there was something I could say
To erase each and every page you've been through
Even though its not my place to save you

I appreciate but can't accept this thank-you note
Thats sealed with your last breath
I won't stand aside and listen to you give up

If you'll just hold on for one more second
Just hold on to what you have
If you'll just hold on, just hold on
If you'll just hold on for one more second
Just hold on to what you have
If you'll just hold on, just hold on
You will wake up tomorrow

Just hold on to what you have
Just hold on to what you have

If you'll just hold on for one more second
Just hold on to what you have
If you'll just hold on, just hold on

Eventually, she wrote them another letter saying that she manage survived it and is doing well now.

I decided to pen this down in a better manner.

So I guess this is the moment I dreaded the most, and it was kinda bad I had to say. Well, right now I still can't change how I feel about myself, and am still feeling very uneasy, and not knowing what to do next. Failure is no strange to me, but it doesn't gets any easier either. In fact I think its more harder than ever now.

Ever since I, well, it certainly felt like it's been forever I can't remember when. But it had changed me into someone who starts to take himself a little more serious, I mean, I just wanted to make myself a better person. I'll never ever be able to be that sophisticated academically, but the least I could do is to not fail. I just wanted to erase this image of a guy of failure that I've been carrying for so long. I just wanted to be a normal student at the least.

But boy did I succeed at failing to prevent failure. I've had my share of fun last semester, I don't want to repeat any of those subject anymore. There's no reason to, its a waste of time, its boring and I hates to. I need to move forward and not backwards. I don't wanna gets left behind, gets left out and... man I don't even wanna think about it.

But what good will that do me now. I screw this up and it screws everything up for me. I'm a mess right now I don't think I wanna even think about what am I to do about it.

Now if only I can swing a magic wand and mgically uncomplicated everything eh.

In My Head

I don't wanna mess this up.
I really really care and wants to try my best regardless of the odds against me.
I don't wanna let my pride and ego brings me down.
I don't wanna complicate everything I ever care about.
And I don't wanna be someone who's too much to manage.

But somehow I seems to always do something that shots myself in the foot.

I think I'm kinda scared
Paranoid
Disillusioned

Cause I don't wanna lose this

I don't wanna lose you