Fallen Into History

I guess I'm aware of the fact that I've made many mistakes in the past although I don't always know just exactly where I went wrong.

I regret every bit of it, but my most biggest regret is perhaps that sometimes these mistakes are unredeemable, the kind that the people would never be able to forgive you no matter how hard you tried. Those mistakes are now like a scar tattooed onto me and it will be sometime I'll take to the grave.

I was never able to be normal like anyone, I have a different way of handling things pre-programmed into me and its something I'm not proud of. But who am I to justify my actions with that. No one would ever asked for a retarded person in their life any more than I asked to be one. But that was who I am then, and who I am now. I'm flawed in many ways.

I guess that's how it always was, and always would be. Its easy to change a person's perception of you when its positive, but once they sees you in a negative light, a part of that will always remains that way.

Truth is, I would have never traded this friendship for anything. If I knew, that I was jeopardizing it with my actions and reactions back then, I would rather take two steps back and pretend like I'm dead rather than to do those permanent damages. How could one jeopardize something that meant a lot to him. Sometimes, I ask myself this many times.

I always thought our friendship would stay good the way it was, that I could perhaps make it better than what it was. I just didn't know that the only thing I was capable of is damaging it.

But I guess that's my punishment. Our friendship was not the only thing I made many mistakes at. I've done many wrongs in my life, many of this I'm aware of what they are. This is my punishment. The worst punishment for an asshole who have wronged a 100 friends is to take away the only one friend that mattered to him most. And boy did I play the part of that asshole well.

I'm sorry about everything everyday. I wish I could redeem myself.

I'm sorry, LF.

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