I can't talk to anyone to about my deepest personal problems
and that hurts more than any problem I have

Loneliness is a state of life that's worse than none at all.



I don't wish anyone else out there would have to go through this, but who am I kidding. Its just a twisted way of the world. Good is relative. Bad guys like me needs to exist to make the good one exist.

Torment of Tantalus

This is a checklist I don't hope anyone else would ever had to have one to his/her name:

• Realizes an important someone resent him
  
• Heartbroken
• Left wondering what went so wrong
• What can he do to redeem himself?
• Will this person ever be able to truly forgive him someday?
  

Those questions came raining down like a pile of bricks. He knows he's done too much too many damages, but naturally he keeps wishing and hoping against all hopes that he could somehow redeem himself. Somehow, no abracadabra there either.

Whats a guy like him was to do anyway. Being her friend was the only thing he ever really cared about and yet time and again he fails to be anything more than just a friend who bugs her online every now and then. There is a reason why he's a pathetic loser with no friend, and this curse is something that some people just have to live with for the rest of their life. Its not a choice, I don't think anyone really choose to live a lonely and pathetic life. Its just like a tumor that won't go away.

He had strong feelings for her all these years, that's one thing that makes her different from the rest. But there's a reason why he had those feelings, and what do you do when you meet someone who's that great of a person? You like them, you wants to be their friend, you wants to be close to them, and that was his problem. Despite all the feelings he had for her, she's still something that he's just destined to fail in - socializing.

Her friendship meant the world to him, its just the one friendship that he do anything or stood any low just to sustain it. But socializing is a tough bun, it goes both ways. When you sucks at it, no matter what you do, you just can't magically will the other person to see your friendship the same way you do about her friendship. He fails at being the friend she deserve, and so she or anyone would only see him for the failure he is.

What a dumb life he's in. Weird. Then again he's emotionally retarded and socially handicap. Probably its not that weird after all.

Sigh

The feeling of being ignored, it really hurts no matter how many times. I guess it does so when its someone important to you, your only close friend left that you feel you could really talk to.

Sometimes, it just seems like a good idea to have a simple conversation until we realize that that simple conversation was more of an annoyance to the other person than anything else.

How does it feels like to be ignored by someone you see as your best friend (that you've had a tons of feelings for)? Well, its unfortunate I have to be all too familiar with this feeling.


I just feel like a lonely loser who's retarded when it comes to making friends and fails at every attempt.

Less Than Perfect

After all this time, I still ends up feeling like a pathetic loser.

But I only have myself to blame. I guess, being me is to be a person that others will always see in a negative light, its to be this annoying person that should have just fell off the face of this planet.

... I still am this person, despite all efforts to turn things around.



And yes, I do still wonder sometimes how things would be different, had I been more of a normal person, just like everyone else. In that world, I wouldn't have to try so hard and screw up every turn I make.

I'm sorry for who I am...