Cleaning Out My Closet (A Note Of Hope) [Part 2]

I don’t believe in having wishes come true. I mean how I could believe in magic when every time I’m hoping for a miracle, there never was any abracadabra there. But somehow I still made them when opportunity arises. I guess it’s just my pathetic way of getting all these desire off my chest for a moment, and thus this entry.

I just wanna be thankful for all this significant people once came into my life, even if some of them are no longer in my life now. All of them played a part in making who I am today, I owe them one for that. I guess we all are. It’s just that I don’t think I’ve quite been anything like that to others. Many mistakes we made by me, I was immature, insecure and over analytical. But it doesn't matters anymore as it now all recedes into fond memories and I miss them all, I always will. I hope the best for them.

And then there’s this someone whom had the largest impact in my life, that had always made me wanting to be a better person, though I failed terribly. I don’t think anyone would ever know or believed how a person whom I started to know just merely though online IM (thanks to her sister) would have such an impact on my life later on. I’d never have though of that myself too back then, but it all happened so fast like a flying dream. I don’t think she’ll ever know how she took me out of this black hole I was in at that time, and went on to made the past 2 years of my life some of the best years I’ve ever had, and after gotten to know her in person it just further cement my gratitude of how lucky I was, and I couldn’t had ask for anything more than that. I couldn’t have dreamt of anything more in the last two years. I guess before I knew it, I um… well, it’s something I believe any other guy in my position would have felt too. It’s just that I guess I complicate everything up somehow. I only knew how to develop that feeling, but I didn’t know how to handle it. And my immaturity probably played a part too. But anyway, I just hope she’s doing fine and everything goes well for her, that’s the least I could do for now.

Anyway there was nothing I would like to change about it, neither in the past 2 nor 4 years. It’s been a tragic comedy, a tale of rainbows and rain. There’s a saying that goes to have rainbows, we have to put up with a lot of rain. The only thing I’d change is probably me, for all the things that I should have done. And I hope I could change who I am. Maybe all I need is time, maybe not. Maybe I’m not doing the right way, maybe I’m just a stone head that’s so resistant to self-changes. Whatever it is, I wish I could work it out someday.

With all of that said, finally I wish that everything in my life would be less complicated. This phase of my life is only about 2 years left and 2 years is a short time, and I just hope that I could work out everything eventually, and that everything is going to be alright. I think that pretty much translates to needing better luck in the future. It's gonna be hard to sail against the rough waves when the wind's blowing anywhere but the right direction, isn't it?

-13th July 2008

That should pretty much sums up the day. It sure felt better getting it off my chest. Another 365 days left to fix my life. I mean, to try work out as many things as possible before the next check point here I get 1 year older, one year more mature (I hope) and 1 year closer to my grave, heh.