I'm Not Old. Just Older [Part 1]

I’m so jaded I feels like a hundred years old and yet I don’t feel like I’ve really grown up all that much. At least, it doesn’t goes hand in hand with my biological age. It’s strange how I don’t feel like I was the same guy who left high school going into university life, yet I don’t feel like I’ve changed all that much either.

But coming into university was a big turning point of my life, it’s like there’s a well define region, and it’s been 4 years since it could be describe with so many words I don’t know where to start either. I’ve met people who are important in my life, a couple of them played a bit part in who I am today, that without all of them I think I’ll still be this little naïve, know nothing, vulnerable kid I was prior to coming into this life. The past 3 years wasn’t exactly an evening ride down the yellow brick road, but I think through it all I’ve learned a lot.

Mistakes made and harsh lessons learned. I’ve learned how a person’s egoism, pride and anger could be the ultimate catalyst in bringing something down to pieces, and at the end of the day we ask our self what its worth now that we lose everything. Can’t say I succeeded but at least I’ve always reminds myself to not let that cripple me. I’ve also learned that we all makes mistakes, regrets are a part of life and it’s not about not having regrets, but to deal and live with it. But it does seem that many things in life are a lifelong learning process. It’s like as we grow older, the world around us changes and we have to keep up with these changes, and that’s where I often fall out of line.

The reason to all of this is because stepping into university life was a huge changing point of my life after like 6 to 10 years of growing up. In this new phase of growing up, the one thing I’ve never manage to get it right was my social aspect. I sort of carried the same way I’ve always did from high school into this new phase and I though it’d work out too but it never did. And even now that I’ve sort of realize this entire “social requirement” I’ve never quite able to live up to it or to change myself to blend into it. So I guess this was one of my biggest weakness that somewhat distance everyone else away from me. Maybe this is the cause, it’s hard to tell sometimes. But I guess I’m doing fine though. It’s not OK but I’m fine.

I can’t swear if that’s exactly what happened. But at least that’s how it feels like.

-Last edited 13th July 2008