I'm not myself lately....~

Unvoluntarily egoistic. I wonder if there's a word for it. It's like, unconsciouslly being egoistic.

Well, if there's one, I think it's my problem. It's not like I like or meant to be an egoistic person, no. Its just that, i dont know, maybe sometimes i may appear to be such an egoistic ass. And I think that, it isnt caused by my egosim, but rather, my lack of self confidence, my arrested social capabilities, maybe ya know...

This isn't the first time, that my shortcomings makes me appears to be a cold person. It's like, sometimes, maybe I say the wrong thing, or react in a wrong way. And I think above all, I can't express myself. And each time when I do, I tend to screw up big time, messing everything up.

Sometimes, I'm a little lack of responsive too, maybe.

Ah well, I dont know. I'm just so confuse. Everything's high or low, black or white, its like there's no middle ground anymore. Each time I do something, it's the wrong move and I'm dammed. I got so scared, I just sit back here not doing anything, but I know it isnt right either, and I'm dammed as well.

I never wanted to push anyone away, or to give the cold shoulders. I dont want to avoid and run away either. I'm just stranded, don't know what to do most of the time. Above all, I never wanted to be an unapproachable, cold, egoistic person.

I dont know. I'm just so screwed up, I cant promise that I can NOT be that anytime soon. It seems like the only thing that I can promise is that that was never my intention, and it never will be. I never meant to be cold. Things may change, people may change, but that wouldnt be one of my changes. I would never wanted to push anyone away.

But the fallout is there. I'm trying to limit it, to save it. God, I just wish I can miraclously uncomplicated my life.