Indeed, I messed up badly
What was I thinking

I keep trying to fix this part of me but boy did I suck at it. Much worse is that I couldn't hide all of this away. Probably I let slip and it showed somewhere, I don't know.

Why did I let myself do this? I complicated something so good.

Served me right then, I'm devastated now.

I'm such an asshole sometimes...

If I can't apologize for being wrong
Then it's just a shame on me
I've been the reason for all this complications
And I will put the blame on me
I put the blame on me

Pain

It's been almost a week since my back is hurting, god knows what's wrong with it. Sitting up is a pain, but I can't be lying down the entire day, it's damned if I do, damned if I don't.

I guess my exams are going to get messed up again, as per usual, everything getting messed up towards the end of the semester. I owe two of my assignment to my friends, the very same person our entire group owes each time we had an assignment. Pretty much a farcry from my multimedia assignment.

They say don't complain all the time and make a drama out of everything. Well, I wish I could make a drama out of my life, because in a drama, everything ends well and happy. In my real life, it doesn't ends that way.

I'm in pain, and it's probably causing me some frustration, pretty much just me being frustrated at myself, that I'm trying miserably not to be complicated and I don't need another physical pain, and the repercussion is that I made myself into this idiotic annoying person.

Gosh I just wish at the very least, this back ache will just go away...

It's not suppose to hurt this way.

It's just something in me I'm trying to fix in

But I know I can't let it show, it's nothing anyone would understand
And I know there's no one to talk to about it
That I have to choice but to keep this battle inside of me
And hide it from the world

I can't even pen it down here

It's just my own fault that I'm the way I am, and it's clear that I have to hide this complications away. I do not blame anyone for not understanding it, it's not for them to understand, it's for me not to show it to others, and more importantly, not to show this screwed up complicated side of me to the people I cared for the most. This is because I'm wrong to be this complicated.

It's just tonight I finds it hard to do that, just wish I could talk about it, let it all out.

That's all... I guess least I could is to let that wish out at here.

It's messing me up from the inside
If I only had something to say

Dear dairy, it's been awhile and...

Man I don't know how should I word this down.

Today, well actually after this morning, I realize that what I felt all along was much more than what I thought it was. Or maybe the feeling grew even more over time and I just didn't realize it. Or perhaps I haven't seen her (as in literally see, in real life) for some time already and when we met this morning (though just briefly), boom floodgates. I mean, it's not like a feeling that resurrected again, but rather something that never fade away and it was stronger that I thought it was.

Hmm...

Now what am I talking here, twisting my words around here and there... I just think this feeling that I feel is something that somehow grows stronger over time, at least that's how it felt like, yeah. Actually by now, its nothing new in me I guess, heh. It's something so wonderful I just let it grows and yet it scares me too sometimes.

Cause I'm my own biggest enemy, and I'm easily blinded by my own imagination. I'm also afraid that I still don't know how to handle it (I've been pretty much this way for so long, not knowing how to handle something that's so strong).

However, it's something I'll always have in me. And I'm glad I felt the way I feel, and no matter how wonderful or hurtful it can be, I'd never trade it for the world.

Anyway it's just a though. I don't want to be a freak making a big deal out of everything and push everyone away from me. After all I'm growing up and still learning everyday.

Just a thought I thought I should pen it down here tonight. What a Friday it has been eh.