I'm willing to do anything
To calm the storm in my heart
I've never been the praying kind
But lately I've been down upon my knees
Not looking for a miracle
Just a reason to believe

I'm So Far Away

There’s just so much negativity here, eh. Its been awhile since I posted and I guess I waited a little too long to do so. I just wanted to get today’s mid term exam out of the way, and boy did I succeed and now, so many things I wanted to pen down here and my mind is as blank as the wall is.

I guess some days went pretty well in the past couple of weeks, since the break. Or at least that’s what my mind felt. I don’t know how to put it in words, I was just glad. My exams, first one didn’t go to well but I’m fine.

And then there’s today. What day is today? I don’t know. Not good, not bad, I don’t know what day is it.

But I promise myself not to fuse my mind’s circuit, I don’t want to be complicated.

Maybe today I should have stayed home and study. That’s right, study. Shouldn’t had gone to campus attending classes.

But no, instead by evening I got back and fell asleep for a few minutes. I’ve already given up on my exams today.

Have I forgotten that I’m trying to improve on my grades? Yes I think so.

No, maybe not.

Maybe I forgot who I am. I’m just a nobody, trying to be a somebody. Just like the boy David in AI.

Tonight I feels so far away from the world
Sitting at a cold end of the universe
Looking down the huge wonderful world
Where I've always been trying to find a place in it
Asking myself if I will ever get there.
I keep wondering why...

I keep looking for distraction trying to make myself better, I guess. And so distracted I got that I fails to prepare for my exams. One whole week went through just like that, and there's no end to this. I don't think I realize the consequences of this. Maybe I can spend my entire life in this university studying the same crap over and over again.

As always, I can't fix myself. As usual, it's totally self induce.

Dear Dairy,

Your author has been losing his head in these few days. He knows that he's a complicated person and he realize he still fails at changing that. He knows that he can't afford to mess things up and yet everytime when things are looking up he pulls it down against his will. Why does he have to be so complicated, how much further does he wants to push everyone away, when the everyone figure itself is decrementing. He couldn't and doesn't wants to mess things up this time.

I wish that I could wave a magic wand and magically uncomplicated his life. I can't so right now, he could only try his best to contain the complications of himself, hide it away from others and not let it influence all his action. But this has a consequence, as it gets him very paranoid, and being paranoid leads to inaction out of fear that whatever he does is a step in the wrong direction. Inaction rings a bell about a well known, familiar regrets of inaction, of all the things he now knew he should had done but never did. Inaction leaves one wonders about how something could have been had he done so and so instead of being so insecure and afraid.

2 to 4 years ago, he's a very complicated person, much more than he is now, but that wasn't the worse part about him. He had no control over his actions, all the bitterness, anger, and frustration that is unjustified, unfair, unnecessary, was all shown in his action. I can't say he's now able to completely apprehend all the unnecessary outcome of his complicated mind, but he did manage it much better than before. This is because he now regrets it, all the actions that he had shown in the past. He knows it all too well it was wrong, and all the justifications that he had back then for his actions, he now could see through them.

I prays that he would eventually, quickly apprehend his mind. Good memories a great, regrets aren't. And he doesn't have the ability to turn back time. He doesn't wants to mess this up.

And also that he wouldn't be so crazy as to come to his blog and talk about himself.